A little bit of relief after I changed medication, I thought the higher dose of Dexamphetamine was helping.
Well, not last night, not this morning. I force myself to stay alive but I’m not coping. And there is not a shred of desire left to live. Just venting…
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A short time ago you reached rock bottom and decided to hang yourself. It takes a lot of pain to get into that frame of mind and it will take time for you to fully recover. Relapses like this are inevitable- they’re like aftershocks but they will settle down eventually.
You’re not alone though. I’ve been struggling myself lately with the physical pain and the stupid mistakes I’ve made in the last few years. In a perverse way I wish I had the courage to end it as you nearly did, while at the same time not wanting you to do it yourself. Humans are paradoxical aren’t they?
I want to do it, beyond s shadow of a doubt. But my conscience holds me back. My sons, my partner, I am only too aware what suicide does to people.
On top of that, both my psychologist and psychiatrist let me stay at home because they trusted me. My psychiatrist would be in big trouble if I kill myself now, when he was fully aware of the risk. He was very very close to forcing me into hospital and he had good reason.
I haven’t always liked myself, but I always simed to be a good person, not to wilfully hurt people, to be compassionate and caring.
Now these deeply held values are in direct an uresolvable conflict with my desire to die.
As I wrote earlier, I have pretty much reached the end of the road regarding medication, psychotherapy etc. Even ECT does not work for me. I had so much hope that this meds change will work. It hasn’t.
I’ll have to hang on to the hope that my dr can come up with some more ideas.
Thanks for your kind words, but sadly I don’t think I’m on the road to recovery (yet), with the occasional down-blip. I’m still on the way down, with a short lived up-blip.
But, not yet giving up. Don’t know for how much longer.
I tried psychotherapy too but I had to pay privately because it wasn’t available on the National Health Service over here. It was good in that it identified events and behaviour patterns from my past that shaped who I am but I was ultimately disappointed that it didn’t actually change me. I think I was hoping for a damascene moment like the one in Good Will Hunting. Maybe I should have tried hypnotherapy instead, who knows?
I’m *not* on the road to recovery yet…
It sounds as if you’re being pulled apart by the desire to die on the one hand, and on the other the desire not to let down your family and the professionals who are helping you, which just adds to the depression because it puts your potential ‘release’ out of reach.
If I wasn’t on the other side of the world I’d like to put my arm around you and be a shoulder to cry on. I guess a forum like this is the next best thing.
I’ve done psychotherapy for over 7 years now. Sometimes weekly when I am in crisis, at other times less frequently, just on a maintenance schedule. I found out a lot about myself. I dealt with the abuse and the rape and the bullying and my shitty marriages.
I learnt to, if not exactly love, but at least respect myself.
But regardless, I feel like I am just broken beyond repair. The brokenness will always catch up with me, even if I’m ok in between. On that point my psychologist disagrees with me. For her there is no such thing as being broken beyond repair. She’s trying hard to convince me she’s right, and I can see that this is pretty much the pivot point.
If I cannot be fixed (or fix myself, whatever), then there is no real point in fighting back, it’s just delaying the inevitable, or else I am condemned to a lifetime of misery.
With cancer or other serious physical illnesses, there is a point where even the most dedicated doctors acknowledge that there is nothing else more they can do. Then it’s all about acceptance, and letting go.
I wish this attitude would extend to mental health. In Belgium and the Netherlands you can request euthanasia for intolerable mental suffering. From what I’ve read, even family members left behind agree that it makes everything much more bearable. It’s all out in the open, you can talk about it, you can say goodbye, and you can even be there. It doesn’t remove the grief for loosing someone, but it removes the extra trauma that comes with suicide. I wish… . In my country it’s not even possible for physical illnesses. For a very short time it was legal in one state, then the federal government overruled it.
Thanks for listening.
My psychotherapy sessions lasted 7 years too, from 2006-2013. My therapist was an Australian lady named Catherine Wilson and my therapy ended when she retired. I tried a different type of therapy after that but I was so used to her format after so many years that I couldn’t get used to a new approach and gave up after three appointments.
I hope your therapy bears fruit eventually, and don’t forget we’re all here when you need a friend who understands.
Thanks, no, I sure will not forget. You are lovely.
You’re welcome. Take care.
How are you feeling today?
Not great. I had one good day on Sunday, although it started really bad. I went to church and talked to my priest after the service, he prayed for me and I totally broke down. I was a mess. But it was reallly good how the members of my congregation rallied around me, so I made a commitment that for that day at least I would all the things that I know are helpful (like going out and getting stuff done and engaging with people), and none of the things that I know fully well are not helpful (like moping around alone at home, and drinking). And I had a good day, and because it was Mothers Day also a really lovely phone call from my older son, and a nice evening out with my younger son.
Yesterday and today? Not so good. My willpower to resist those things that don’t help didn’t last beyond the one day. Last night instead of going to choir I stayed at home and (guess) got a bit drunk. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an alcoholic. Not by a long shot, but when I’m depressed I drink more, even though I know it makes everything worse. Today, I just feel this immense sadness. I have more energy since the medication change, and I’m not as torn anymore, constantly torturing myself with ‘will I or won’t I kill myself?’, because for the moment at least I have decided to fight back once more, reach out, get help, etc.
But, I’m a long way from being well, and I’m still very doubtful that I can get there. But at least I accept that it’s not impossible, that there is some hope.
BTW, I saw my psychologist yesterday, and she told me that she had never ever before let s patient walk out of her practice unescorted after they told her something like what I did the other Saturday. At the very minimum she would have them picked up by a family member, but in most cases she would have them taken straight to hospital, by ambulance or the mental health emergency response services. It shows the unbelievable trust between us. All week she was shit worried that she may have made the wrong call. I told her I was really grateful for her trust, and she agrees that I’m better off at home.
It sounds like you’ve got an excellent psychologist helping you which will make all the difference to your recovery, but expect that it’ll be a bumpy ride. The road to recovery is travelled in small steps and I’m sure you’ll get there, it just takes time.
That’s exactly what she’s been saying. On small step at a time. For the moment my only job is to keep going, to get out of bed in the morning, and do the essentials.
And yes, she is a very good therapist, and also a just a wonderful person – very honest and so dedicated to her profession, that if she won Lotto she would continue to work, but take on patients that couldn’t otherwise pay for therapy for free. That, literally, is her Lotto dream.
She is incredibly observant. She picks up the slightest signals in body language, but also the other way round, everything she does or says is fully intentional and for a good reason. She’s long stopped taking notes about me (and she never does it during sessions anyway, which makes the interactions so much more personal), but she remembers even very small details abut my life. She really is amazing.
It sounds like you’ve got an excellent therapist there who can guide you out of the darkness that’s currently enveloping your life- I’m so glad for you.
Getting out of bed in the morning is one of the things I’m struggling with at this time but I’ll be seeing my doctor tomorrow for a review of my antidepressant tablets. They’re the SRI type but I think they’re being defeated by this chronic pain that I can’t seem to shake off. If it wasn’t for that I’m certain I’d be less depressed.
By the way, how are things in Australia at the moment? I’ve never been there but I have a sister and brother-in-law living in New Zealand. He’s a paediatric anaesthesiologist and she’s about to qualify in public health. It’s awful for the family that they’re so far away but in all honesty I can’t see them ever leaving there. The quality of life is just so much better in NZ and Australia.
It is pretty good here. I’m a first generation immigrant myself, i came here when I was 24 with my first husband. It’s a beautiful, huge country, and society is pretty fair minded and laid back. Although recently as elsewhere people are getting increasingly polarised and hateful politically.
Compared to the US, as far as I can see, the healthcare system is pretty good too, with basic universal health cover for everybody, paid for as part of the tax system (I’ve been following closely wats happening over your end and it scares me).
That being said, it’s not perfect. Regarding mental health, there is not just a gap, but a huge chasm between the public and the private system. In the public system you get kicked out of hospital as soon as you are no longer an imminent risk to yourself, because there are never enough beds, and someone needs yours more urgently. And access to other treatment has waitinglists that are way too long for someone in crisis. And then you may get 6 sessions per year with a psychologist max.
Fortunately I’ve got private cover, and a good enough income (when I’m not in hospital) to pay what even the private insurance doesn’t pay (which is a lot).
Where I live, in Perth on the West coast, we have a great climate, we’ve been recently declared the sunshine-capital of Australia, with roughly 3200 hours of bright sunshine a year. We’re now heading for winter, which is when we have most of our rain, but it’s still mild, never below freezing, and still plenty of sunshine. It’s comparable to San Francisco climate-wise I think.
Hey, it’s nice talking to you. Right now I can’t sleep ( thanks Dexies ?), it’s 5:23 in the morning here, and maybe I should just get up and go to work early. I’m alone in the office this week and have s key, so I could…
Tell me a bit more about yourself, you sound like such a lovely person.
What’s the reason for the chronic pain? I can’t even imagine what it’s like to live with that!
Hi, sorry for the delay. I don’t always have access to the PC here at home and have to grab my opportunities when they arise!
I’m a 46 year-old male and I live in “old” South Wales in the UK, in a small town called Glynneath. I don’t know if you’ve heard of the entertainer Max Boyce or the actress Ruth Madoc (she was Gladys in the UK 80s series Hi-Di-Hi!) but they are resident here too. I’m a welsh speaker and a qualified maths & science teacher although I never went into the profession after graduating but went to work for a bank instead. I came to realize during my degree course that you need to be a strong and confident individual to teach kids and I just wasn’t up to it.
The chronic pain you asked about is in my feet, and to a lesser extent my legs. It began 12 years ago after I took up jogging in order to get fit because my work involved me sitting down most of the day. After a few months I developed a pain in my left shin which kept cropping up when I ran so I went to a physio to get it checked out. He wasn’t sure what was causing it and so he tried twisting my foot in various ways in an attempt to recreate it but in doing this he gave me a new tendon injury in the underside of my foot. It just wouldn’t heal and after a couple of frustrating years I paid privately for a new treatment called shockwave therapy but this is what caused the nerve damage.
Standing in one spot for long periods is uncomfortable for me now, sometimes painful, as is walking on rough or slanting ground. There are good days and bad days but the sensations are always there to some degree. It contributed to my having to give up work and it had a really detrimental affect on my mental health which wasn’t great to begin with. I’ve also had to curtail things I used to really enjoy such as visiting record fairs and car boot sales. Unfortunately my life’s become a hell of a mess which is why I’ve started posting on this site. It provides some comfort to know that you’re not alone and that others understand.
I’m off to bed now, can’t keep my eyes open! Hope you have a good day & I’ll speak to you again.
Ooops, sorry, I thought you lived in the US. Apologies, got you mixed up with somebody else I guess.
My second husband was Welsh, but I won’t hold that against you. 😉
I have decided to get up now, will grab a quick breakfast and then drive to work. It is in the middle of the night now over your end!
I can only sympathise with what happened with your feet. Something so innocent and small in the beginning having such long lasting and profound implications!
Have you got a partner or are you by yourself?
No, I don’t have a partner and unfortunately I’ve never been in a relationship thanks to my crippling shyness and lack of self-worth. I’m back living with my parents which is less than ideal but I can’t see me ever leaving here now as I just couldn’t cope on my own.
Your second husband also being welsh shows what a small world we live in, or is it synchronicity? Which part of Wales was he from?
Shame, you seem like such an articulate and nice person.
About my second husband, he was somewhere from the South, but I don’t really remember any details (I don’t really want to).
Reading your response made me wonder: if I could go back and choose whether to never be in any relationship (including the good one that I am in now), or go through all the shitty ones i’ve been in again, I think I would choose not to ever have a relationship. By a long shot actually. A lot happened to me (my bio only is a very brief summary), but I think between them my two husbands messed me up the most.
That would of course mean I would have never had my two sons, but I’ll keep that out of the equation, it’s only academic anyway, and there’s always IVF etc.
I think, why I am bringing this up, maybe it’s a bit of a consolation to you. There are actually worse things (in my opinion), than to never have had a relationship. Then again, it may be no consolation to you at all, in which case I apologise if I sound patronising.
Apart from the not sleeping, I think I really am on the way up. I am starting to be cautiously optimistic. Now I am actually embarrassed how quickly I was willing to give up. Well, not quickly in terms of my overall struggle, but in terms of this episode. But that’s depression for you, it affects your mind so even if there is hope you cannot see it.
Speak again, good night
I can’t see me having a relationship now to be honest because I wouldn’t make much of a partner (and I’m not just putting myself down when I say that). I did fall in love once when I was 14 but I didn’t have the nerve to ask her out. Eventually I confided in a friend who also knew her but he told me she was already in a relationship with some rugby player. In truth I’ve never really gotten over it and I think about her often.
I’m so glad you feel that you’re turning a corner but don’t forget there will be setbacks. They may stop you temporarily but as long as you continue inching forward you’ll overcome all of them in the end.
Good night and take care.
I wouldn’t be too sure of that (not making much of a partner). Why exactly do you think that’s the case?
My current partner and me, by ‘normal’ standards we don’t really have much going on. I.e: it’s been ages since we had sex. As in, at least a year. But it’s not because we don’t love each other, but because both of us have basically zero libido, he from diabetes, me from the tons of antidepressants I take.
By normal standards that would suck, but we are ok with that, because this means there is no pressure. We just enjoy spending time together.
Then, he’s got PTSD from military service, I from domestic abuse. It means often one of us is not exactly a bundle of joy, but it also means that because we can emphasise, we treat each other with a lot of care and respect, to not trigger old hurts.
What I’m saying is, there could be someone out there, for whom what you see as negative would actually make a perfect match.
Yes, you make a fair point. If the right woman came along and we were compatible we wouldn’t have to be ‘perfect’ for each other. It wouldn’t even have to be love, we could be like best friends who live together. I think my parents unhappy marriage may have subconsciously put me off cohabiting with anyone though to be honest.