Tired and Fed Up

It surprises me almost daily that I have made it to a new day. Before age 16 I was sure that I wouldn’t make it to that age for some strange reason. Here I am at twenty, and my life is horror show. I feel like I just can’t be. You know? It feels like I have lost myself, motivation, belief and real friends. The friendships I have feel like one of obligation, convenience and due to hanging out during high school, and its terrible to feel this way but it feels like something vital is missing…it could be within myself or maybe it really is the friendship. Life is so suffocating and it constantly feels like I am fighting for air (not physically, maybe…sometimes.. I really should exercise more xD), yet it feels like I just can’t catch my breath. I wonder if I am doomed to repeat the mistakes of my mother, father, siblings and external family, which has a history of toxic behavior…I don’t know. At one point in life things in life weren’t really much better then they are know, but I was able to manage everything so much better. Now? I am just a mess of bad habits, anxiety, sadness, pain and anger whose life is composed of toxic people, bad grades, perpetual lateness, and recently developed speech/communication issues. I don’t even know what to say, think or do about my life. I just stare and stare at the sky wishing everything was different. Sigh. I am nowhere near where I would like to be or who I would like to be .Now, I just wither away in my hovel…how grand :/