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40… still breathing

by Milestiba

I don’t write much because it takes my phone forever on this site to type on a post. Infuriating!! Commenting is easier. So my post is in comments below.


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Milestiba 6/25/2017 - 10:51 pm

I hate this whole life I have struggled through. Today, I turned 40. And I have nothing to show for any of my hard work. Planned on attempting suicide today. But felt compulsion all week to do it right then. But I was scared it would not work – again. So worked with local crisis center. I stayed alive day by day. Folks at the center knew who I was without me saying anything. Not the best sign. Yesterday, they knew I was on my way to go to a motel to start my process. They said they would call back after consulting the team. Two hours later they called me and tried to get me to share where I was. Nope. So an hour later – as I was on my way home to grab something I forgot – a counselor calls me and pushes to know where I am. She was standing at my building… with police and ambulance. I was livid. She threatened to literally use any means possible with the police to find me if I didn’t promise to be safe and answer my phone when they called again. They did nothing all week and then decided to intervene. And they put my housing in jeopardy. My building manager is shady – kicks people out for random reasons. Don’t need that on top of everything. So came home and stayed on phone with different crisis lines processing the whole thing and trying not to attempt to run away out of state for fear I would have nothing to come home to.

I have bary slept for several weeks. Doctors have tried for years to regulate my sleep. Severe insomnia makes the depression thousands of times more severe. At about 6:30 AM, I agreed with a counselor to get rid of meds… Thousands upon thousands of milligrams of different meds… and the bottle of vodka. It was. SO hard. I feel almost naked and all my problems are still present.

I went out with an acquaintance and responded to people on Facebook even though I felt half dead inside. The highlight was having one of my favorite actresses shout out to me in response to my tweet. Silly, but I even feel ignored on here… so any attention kind of felt good. I am about 200 pounds overweight, but am invisible to people. It is what it is.

Anyway… still breathing… still struggling withthoughts. 25 some years of therapists, medications, doctors, hospital stays, several failed suicide attempts , tons of lost family and friends because I was too whatever for each one… and I am exhausted with all my failed efforts … I wonder how it can ever get better. Will I ever be stable? Will the DSM IV be all there is to me? Some systematic diagnosis upon diagnosis with no hope of stability? I have no answers, just pain and confusion and anger.

I thank you for listening /reading. Open to any comments.

asouthernsoul 7/22/2017 - 11:40 pm

My god, I’m not for suicide at all, but reading your post (as well as others here), I can really feel your pain specially regarding the way crisis centers/doctors/professionals deal with suicidal people! You said you feel almost naked, that’s exactly how it seems… They want so bad to stop the person from dying, they leave him/her completely exposed. I’m sorry your birthday sucked (and the past 25 years as well). I hope for the best!! and I wish you the best.

Fear of the known 6/26/2017 - 3:35 am

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Much of it is beyond my comprehension so I can’t even process it, like how it must feel to have your life invaded by the crisis people and the police. But one thing I know very well is insomnia. How nothing works because the body quickly builds a tolerance to any meds. Like you I just blindly pop handfuls of whatever is within reach, stockpiled over the years, and rinse it down with vodka. That sometimes gives me 3-4 hours sleep followed by crippling depression the rest of the day. Funny that you just kicked the habit because tonight was the first night in about a year that I decided to go without meds or alcohol. It’s 3:32 am here so you can guess how that’s going. Anyway, I wanted to say you sound pretty damn tough if you can endure 25 years of that. Think about it, that’s one hell of an accomplishment.

Milestiba 6/26/2017 - 6:45 am

Thanks for the comment. I guess I never looked at it as glass half full – as an accomplishment – but rather as torture. Just passed out for about 6 or 7 hours. That is the best night of sleep I have had in about six weeks. It is so hard to feel like a lab rat. I get jealous of people whose bodies just work well with medication and they can stabilize for long periods of time. Whether sleep meds, antidepressants, SSRIs, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, pain meds, or just whatever… after some time, my body stops working with the meds and I have to keep starting over. It can be crazy making in and of itself!! I hope that you are able to have finally gotten a little bit of rest… it makes all the difference!!

Katki 6/26/2017 - 5:05 am

Some of what you say is similar to me – I am 51, 100lbs overweight, insomnia, meds that don’t do shit. I am finally getting some relief with probiotics – please look into it – it may help you- i was shocked that I was able to get off of most of my meds that i’ve been on for over 10 years .. kind of a miracle

Milestiba 6/26/2017 - 6:57 am

I will have to look into that!! I have seen commercials, but never paid it much attention. It is awesome that you have been able to reduce the number of meds you have to take!! I would love to lose some of the weight and keep it off!! I yoyo’d for years – losing massive amounts of weight and putting it back on plus some… then I gave up and gave been steady at 300-360 for the last several years. Very painful and limiting. Plus, I have had chronic problems with my back since I was a child. Weight doesn’t seem to make it better or worse… actually had worse pain when I weighed 190 than now. But I guess, too, that I no longer push myself through the pain like I used to. I back off immediately and stop activity once my back gets hurting.

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