I’m a 24 year old woman, if I can even stomach calling myself that. I don’t where I am in my life right now, but I do know that everything I touch gets destroyed. Like the tips of my fingers are made of wild fire.
I know that most things that have occurred in my life are my fault. It’s my mouth. I guess trying to protect myself verbally from pain, digs a deep hole of powerful black tar that won’t wash away. Most folks around me are pretty healthy. They can let things go pretty easily, can have fun, breath, shut even mourn respectfully. Then there is me…
For a long time I thought my father was wrong, “hurtful”, emotionally neglectful, etc. but I can say my father is a smart man. He knew, he could smell how much of a disgusting human being I was from birth. I’m not taking up for him, just saying, he knows what a lost cause is. That’s strong, to be able to give up on someone and move on.
I’m undesirable, but one thing I do have going for me is that I’m good in bed (even that’s questionable). HA! Relationship wise, I’m annoying, I do too little or way too much. I’m controlling, and it’s because I notice how folks see how idiotic I am…I try to mask it. I over analyze, recently I’ve been getting extremely insecure (jealous). I know that deep down inside, I have nothing to offer, and this whole facade is flaking away. I’m embarrassing, a walking mess. I’m usually good for a minute, then I fuck up. Go home fixate then compare.
I’m living in a nightmare. I am the nightmare.
No one wants to be with me, because let’s face it. I’m crazy. Folks like me don’t become mothers, wives, girlfriends, partners…we become mugshots, fillers, cum targets, and are essentially deplorable. Men get disgusted with the thought of there being a single inkling I could be a baby mama (I don’t blame them).
I don’t know when to be transparent and honest, I don’t know when to be quiet. I seek attention, because I lack substance.
Calling what I’m going through “depression”, is a joke. There has to be some responsibility taken.
I’ve been told by several individuals that Suicide is a good option for me. When you receive that many recommendations, you have to start taking a look at yourself. These are individuals who actually LOVE me! Mind you, I know that they refuted (publicly) what they said, because the world wouldn’t understand where they are coming from. I think it’s unfair. I’ve attempted in the past, but I had to make a big scene about it. That’s what I do, I never follow through with what I say. One was almost a success by about a few minutes, but EMS.
I do try to make sense of arguments, but common sense and logic ain’t that common, especially for me.
- I need the most simple, exit strategy. Preferably one with the highest success rate and little to no failure rate.
9 comments
You criticise yourself, that shows you’re self aware and conscientious . Wisdom comes from patience. I would recommend you to be patient. Right now all your suffering and guilt and self criticism is scattered. Any decision you take now will be wrong. Be patient, let the things organise and create a singular self. Till then, keep trying. Have some self confidence. All your actions go wrong because you feel hollow inside and seek that outside. Know yourself. Nobody is hollow.
Hello fellow INTP.
You don’t need a exit strategy, you’ve clearly identified your mistakes and your problems. The next step is to act on them to make positive change in your life. Number one rule is to be happy yourself. Please have faith, things will get better if you try. Please try to make positive changes and see the benefits before thinking about exit…
From what you have said, suicide is NOT a good option for you.
We may never know just why but giving advice on how to off yourself isn’t allowed here on SP. But I sure can encourage to comment back to some of these people or post another story because clearly you are good at it.
Good thing, the world doesn’t need more wives, mothers, girlfriends, partners. That is the last thing the world needs, and it’s the most unfulfilling destiny to be that. Get away from where you are and do things your way.
I’m in the same boat as you, I’m just a cum target, expect I let no man near me, but that doesn’t stop them. Sometimes, men can go to hell.
Hey, the beautiful thing about life is that we all die eventually .
This is how I think and I hope it brings you some peace of mind for at least today.
Nothing is forever.
It seems you have an inkling what truly is wrong and want to change but can’t go through with it because of some vice or event that makes you get stuck no matter what you do. You want to change but you cant. I know this is not for everyone but try going to church or Christian groups and talk to some pastor or preacher therefor counseling. Repentance and change always come hand in hand and I’ve seen many testimonies who have changed their lives through Christ. Maybe it will work for you and who knows, people who used to criticize you would be in awe about it and might even become your friends.