It’s not easy…

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I assume (just assume, not sure if it’s true) that there is this cycle, he is being abusive, you feel you can’t take this anymore, but just when you would do something about it, he suddenly changes into someone nice and you don’t want to leave anymore, you love him. He is not perfect but now you see it’s worth it.
Except when you’d already ease into the confort, he strikes again (verbally, emotionally, physically?). He is this monster again, life is hell again. But you are waiting, hoping that this to go away and for him to be nice again.
But usually the abusive parts of the cycle tend to get worse and worse, it lasts longer, hell seems darker by a shade or two every time.
You are still waiting.
At one point, there is nothing else anymore, only the memory of the “nice guy” moments, but somewhere in your mind you feel it will come back.
It usually doesn’t.
But until then, you’re already tired, exhausted and somehow believe you deserve this.

You don’t. You deserve to be happy, to be with someone loving, to love yourself, to forgive yourself.
But what he’s done is not your fault and he is not your responsibility, his actions are his own responsibility.
I understand if you feel you don’t want to leave because I can relate.
You are strong though and I know that at some point you’ll find yourself again.
*hugs*