I’m tired of trying to hold together all these contradictory thoughts and impulses. Of seeing other people happy, with hope & purpose, when that’s beyond me. Of regret, & living in idealised memories of the past, or fantastical versions of the future.
I’m tired of the way I perceive the world, and see humans as a species.
I’m tired of the guilt, shame, & fear. Of knowing that nothing can make it ok.
I’m tired of wanting. So many competing things, many of them impossible.
I’m tired of being alone with all this going round and around my head.
I should die, and yet I shouldn’t. I’m a monster, yet I also have a conscience. Life is futile and horrific, yet also wonderful and alluring. I should seek help, yet I’m beyond help.
How do you function, when the different aspects of yourself are so far apart?
I suppose the answer is: not very effectively. There’s no peace of mind. Just constant anxiety, swinging back and forwards.
Still, it’s not like I deserve peace of mind. I’ve more than earned a guilty conscience and internal strife. So I guess I’ll just keep on stumbling along, numbing the pain that I cause myself, until eventually things fall apart.
3 comments
I can’t imagine what you’ve done to deserve all of this self-torture.
It’s bad. Really bad. That’s all I’ll say. But I’m still that person. It’s not like I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not even remorseful most of the time. Part of me loves it and wants to do it again. Part of me hates it and wants to destroy myself. So I end up torn between the two.
I’m forced to take your word for it. I just wish I knew what to say.
I believe that even the most heinous things can be forgiven. But forgiveness requires remorse. So you’re going to have to decide whether or not you’re remorseful, first.