I told myself I was done with posting, but I’m tired of being alone with everything in my mind. I could just write all this out on paper, but if I post it then at least there’s the possibility of some kind of input that might make me feel slightly less isolated. Validate me goddammit! 🙂
I have memories of hating myself, long before I’d done anything worthy of hate. Maybe I was an asshole as a kid. I was sheltered. Awkward. Quiet, possibly to the point of rudeness. Perhaps people thought I was stuck up, that I saw myself as better than them. Maybe I did.
It’s so hard to know how much of your perception is you being oversensitive, and how much is accurate. I remember feeling shunned. Looked down upon. Seen as less than, inferior. I didn’t really understand why. That was somehow just where I had fitted in to the social strata. It didn’t feel fair. I still feel that anger to this day. That burning resentment that comes from being designated as unworthy of basic respect or consideration.
I was smart. Reasonably normal looking. Fairly athletic. But socially, I guess I was pretty clueless. Which was the only thing that really mattered. I’d never picked up how to form alliances, stay friends with the right people, look down on the wrong ones, assert myself over others. I suppose I’d never had to.
As I said, it’s hard to know how much was me being oversensitive, and how much is an accurate reflection of the situation. Maybe I was just a little narcissist, and really everything was completely normal. But my mind started to look for slights. To store evidence of how I was perceived. And once you start looking for that stuff, you’ll see it everywhere, and grow to fear it.
Every time I was laughed at, insulted, isolated, punched, kicked, intimidated, it was recorded by part of my mind as another example of who I am. And though I tried to challenge that within myself, tell myself I was better than it, I allowed it to define how I related to the world. Rather than brushing it off as a normal part of childhood, I withdrew. I started to hang my head, avoid eye contact, avoid conflict. Anything not to be noticed. It didn’t work, because then people pick up on how quiet your are, or how you’re avoiding eye contact. But I never challenged it. It was becoming who I was. I was worthless, even in spite of an underlying narcissistic self-regard.
I told myself that I would overcome it. That I was special. That I would show them. But over the years it became clearer and clearer that I couldn’t function normally around people anymore. The self-hatred had infected me to the point where I was subconsciously assuming in any interaction that the person would pick up on how pathetic I was. Every outing became just another example to add to the catalogue. The fear became unbearable.
So I had this crippling self-hatred, combined with a delusional self-regard. I was special, brilliant, but I was also pathetic, worthless, unable to function in the world. So fuck the world, for failing to appreciate my greatness! Fuck everybody who ever saw me as inferior!
None of which excuses the the things I’ve done since. But maybe it goes a small way to explaining them. Or maybe not. Maybe I was just born an asshole. Or maybe at some point I just made the decision to become one for no reason.
Anyway, that’s enough for now.
85 comments
I know this feeling.
Walking with my head down for so many years has now affected my posture. I can read social cues a hell of a lot better now than when i was child.
When i walk down the street, i look into the distance ‘past’ people. You know, the 1000 yard stare at the pink elephant in the 1st floor of a building.
The past is what has created this man you see before you. No validation at school and childhood trauma has caused me to hate myself more than i could hate anyone else.
When we are growing up, it’s hard to believe that people (kids and adults) can see you like you are a piece of shit, with no redeeming qualities.
But do this for long enough, i think we no longer just believe it ouselves, we accept it as well.
I guess that’s why kids in school pretend to be like everyone else, no one likes the outcast, no one wants to be the outcast.
You know deep down, i know i’m not that bad a guy, (shit, look at some of the jerks you see out on the street and they STILL seem popular)
But it can be hard to let go of that feeling after a lifetime of abuse and contempt.
I dunno if this validates you mate, but know you are not alone.
A toast i think: To slouching and eye contact avoidal. Cheers mate.
Cheers, and thanks for a considerate comment. I do feel ever so slightly validated (lol).
It’s affected my posture too – think it contributed to my back problems. Not sure I’m much better at reading social cues now, though I sometimes do better at not worrying about it.
I wish I’d made more of an effort to pretend and fit in, rather than withdrawing. I think I told myself I was better than that. But I wasn’t strong enough to stop it from getting to me.
Hold on to that knowledge that you’re not a bad guy, whatever you do. You don’t realize how vital it is ’til it’s gone.
Husk, glad you posted!
Balance is so hard.
Getting a sense of who we really are is hard.
Positive self-talk, negative self-talk.
Whose ideal are we measuring ourselves against?
Even “societal ideals” vary.
It would be easier if there was some accurate, non-judgmental tool by which we could measure ourselves and gain an understanding of who we are truly, as well as in relation to everyone else.
Surely we try, measuring abilities: how far, how fast, how big, how diminutive, how pretty, how tall, how smart, how skilled, etc.
I don’t think we are born assholes (except maybe certain species?). It’s a balance of self vs other. Sometimes we rely on other people’s rulers and fail.
Glad to see you post. I think you can choose NOT to be an asshole (allowing for those occasional slip ups). I think you don’t want to be an asshole, but only you can determine if that’s true and what that looks like for you.
For what my opinion is worth, I validate you, even as you blow past me without seeing me. I see you a little better now. Don’t be afraid to look around. 1000 yards is a long way off. You could be missing what’s right in front of you, sometimes.
Thanks SQ, appreciated as always. I read some of your posts, though it makes me sad to see someone who seems so much more engaged with the world still unable to stay in it.
I suppose it might be easier if we had an objective measure of who we truly are. Though I think I might be too afraid to look at it now. I’m thinking Picture of Dorian Gray levels of hideousness.
I think I’ve failed by most metrics that have ever been devised. Certainly by my own standards of who a person should be.
It’s hard to know what is the least asshole-like action at this point. A lot of answers point to death, though it might do more harm than good. Regardless, my commitment is somewhat inconsistent. Mostly I just want to numb myself, to forget.
Thank you for your validation, and for reading this. From time to time I try to pay more attention to my surroundings.
Husk, you may be a jerk, you may not be. I don’t know you. Sometimes, I think we pull the asshole move because it is a definitive one and ends the internal struggle. Self-destructive habits, I guess.
Something tells me though, that you’re not as much of an ass as you may think you are, higher standards and all.
I think a lot of people seek homeostasis, to not have to face the struggle: numb it, ignore it, pretend not to see it or hear it.
Btw: your line, ” A lot of answers point to death, though it might do more harm than good,” while I understand it and why you wrote it, taken out of context is funny. Death doing more harm than good. LOL. (Suicidal humor. Oh my).
I think jerk or asshole probably undersells it. A monster is what I am, though that sounds hyperbolic. I’m trying to come to terms with that, and what it means going forward, but it’s hard to face. Which doesn’t mean that I’m completely absent in positive qualities. Even Hitler loved his dog (and painting).
You may be right about the self-destructive aspect. It can be a relief to give up the struggle, although you know it’ll always feel worse afterwards.
I suppose that line is kind of funny/absurd.
Husk:
Hyper Bolic, like Elvir Bolic all ramped up for the game?
Or, Hyper-bolic like those sythetic hormones storing protein at a faster rate than usual?
Or, in the traditional sense, like when you unintentionally offend someones belief system by using hyperbole to describe yourself in an exaggerated metaphorical kinda way?
Seriously, though, how are you categorizing yourself so harshly? Why this conclusion?
Google informs me that Elvir Bolic is a Bosnian footballer (‘the more you know’.) So yeah, I’m going to go with hyperbolic in the sense of exaggeration, overstatement.
But in terms of my actions, and my desires, it’s accurate. They are monstrous. Though I may not have inflicted the same levels of real world harm as some monsters, it’s mainly a difference of circumstance and opportunity rather than kind.
I am unacceptable. A source of evil in the world. Under conventional virtue/purity/honor morality, I should kill myself. Or submit myself to punishment, then kill myself.
From a consequentialist perspective, that would probably cause more pain than it would prevent. And clearly I don’t believe much in a code of virtues, otherwise I would never have let myself become this.
But that leaves me pondering where to go with life. I don’t know whether it’s a case of trying to be the best monster I can be. I just feel incredibly alone with what I am.
Idk: what does “being the best monster i can be” mean to you:
1. Becoming monster par excellence, or
2. Being least monstrous as you can
If we keep referencing “Monster”, you-know-who is going to show up.
I prefer ‘prodigium’ now
Don’t you ever sleep?!!?!
I’m like farah.
I’m a team of people
Isn’t it phone-dropping time in the UK?
oops that was supposed to be at Prodigium, not thehusk, who is a different kind of monster entirely, though he will not actually say why.
omg
As you are saying this, all the idiots are coming back from the pub shouting inane dribel
Fucking attention whores
Wait, did you just call me?
Not cool on a suicide site saying someone is ‘just trying to get attention’ and calling women “whores”. Studs vs whores. Hmm.
Strange dichotomy.
lol fuck knows mate.
My brain feels like it’s gonna liquidise and run out of ears.
Well, since Husk is asleep and we’ve apparently hijacked his post, and since it is a suicide site and I am suicidal, I am having a bit of a freak out in that regard. I’d ask for advice, but would probably be told to “jump” by the positivists. “Positively jump!, we’ll give you th countdown! No fluffy pillow or music for the likes of you!”.
But seriously, went to the dr for the thyroid meds and guess what he prescribed for me?
Don’t you fucking say it lol
Okay…. you say it.
-t- ?
Well to be fair, you would probably be called a selfish bastard for not helping out the ppl who really needed it.
I feel a bit drained to be fair.
I can see new posts, but i feel a bit tired and don’t wat to offer something that seems ‘trite’ is that the right word?
the doctor prescribed “trite”?
Me not helping? Ever? Really? LOL. You are tired ProdiMonBooMidRad-ster
Wow
You speak jamaican as well?
Your a fucking linguist mate.
Took me a moment to get it. Getting old.
Btw, not t-, but something else.
I’m freaking out about it, but maintaining my sense of humor (or irony).
gimme the 1st letter
Wheel of Fortune (I’d say hang man, but y’know):
Six letters: _ _ _ _ _ _
L
Strike one.
This will be difficult, cause brand name change across the world.
I could be here all night and still not get it, after getting all 6 letters.
Really?
Scout , im going to bed, someone else from the team will be back in 2 hours.
Talk to you tomorrow if you are on mate.
Husk- nice speaking with you mate
Prodigium
yeah mate, it gets weird. even if it’s by the same company as well.
night mate
Prodigium
Sleep well
Good night, Boo.
@SQ: please, hijack away. That’s what I get for turning my back for half an hour.
the husk
i feel paranoid now when i see the conversation developing on someone elses post now.
Half expecting a lurker to jump in and tell me what a piss poor job im doing.
Thanks for the permission mate.
You know the poster can erase comments, right?
Or just tell you to, “Go on, be off with you, then!” (in my best British accent, which will surely offend someone).
I think it’s probably difficult if you’re feeling isolated/desperate to see others with more of a rapport than you getting along. But as long as you’ve at least tried to address the original post I don’t see a problem with spinning out the conversation from there.
Mine have been hijacked more often than not. It is what it is. People need to talk even if they are making a mockery of my (serious-minded, soul-revealing) post(s).
To quote Chip and Doris Day: “Que cera, cera.”
thehusk
if they want to talk to me, they’ve only got to say hello or whatever.
i find it easier to speak like this.
@SQ: True, but in your case it’s usually people who you’re familiar with, have talked to you first, and they’re probably aware you’re ok with it. I can imagine if it was some kid’s first time posting and it became a huge thread of in-jokes that you didn’t understand, you might be slightly cheesed off. Not a dig at anyone, just trying to understand where people are coming from.
I hear you. There are multiple posts by multiple people, as well as previous posts, and suggestions at the bottom as to other posts. But you are changing the subject off of yourself (again). I’m here to listen if you want to talk. You don’t have to.
How does anyone meet anyone? Fally? 4 days maybe? Midmon a week? I never spoke with Nietherblacknorwhite nor Cordless before but once or twice.
People jump in.
People write their own posts.
People comment.
People lurk.
MidMon was a lurker.
This is the way I see it. I was annoyed too at first, tbh. I missed the old forum. A lot. And I felt out of place a lot. And i had some resentment, feeling left out. So i started feeling resentful. THEN I realized, you know what? Good for them, making a difference in each other’s lives. I saw people jump in and them brighten up. So I decided, no one is going to help me if i’m silent, i don’t know how to help myself, I’m gonna post and just be me. To hell with it. This is my only place and my last chance.
If the admins tell me to shut up, I’ll shut up!
@SQ: That’s great. But not everyone has your strength of character. I feel kind of the same – good for them – but not everyone has that kind of resilience.
Husk! Yes! And we were speculating about your monstrous behaviours (<-MidMon wanted to know).
bullshit lol
So Husk, please clarify from your previous response, above:
Idk: what does “being the best monster i can be” mean to you:
1. Becoming monster par excellence, or
2. Being least monstrous as you can
??
@SQ: I suppose being the least monstrous I can? Or minimizing the impact of my monstrousness on others. I haven’t really figured it out yet. Although there’s certainly a part of me that would like to go the other way, I can’t imagine ever being able to sufficiently subdue my own guilt/fear.
Well, trying to minimize the negative behavior (of which I have no idea still) shows compassion. Some people will accuse people with compassion of being monstrous, but that doesn’t make it so.
The thing is that my resolve is lacking. It’s not that I’m incapable of compassion, or that I don’t have a conscience. It’s that those aspects of me can easily be overridden by other factors. At any point I may reach a point where I suddenly just decide ‘fuck it’, out of the blue. It’s happened before, and it will likely happen again. I’m not a psychopath, or a sociopath. I’m just a really shitty person, with some really fucked up desires.
Or maybe you’re a thinker and tend not to get the social interactions or protocols and just say, the hell with it?
read the post and threads… damn (excuse my German..joke) but this is the second time ive read a post that i swear i could have written myself. Will you people please get out of my head..really its already quite crowded in there..joking..joking.
oh pardon the interjection…couldnt help myself
try44: you’re feeling better. we’ll sing you a birthday song. !
thehusk… hello…sorry to be “meeting” in this light…but um could it be that the initial self hatred has just magnified and overshadowed the real you…the one that is non-shitty. You know that so you think so you are…but not really..just in your head…if that makes any sense.
SQ.. kinda… but im taking my clues from you stong people and attempting to make jokes… Yes i survived my bday… worse one ever. But hey theres always tomorrow!
It’s something beyond that. I am a thinker (in the sense that I overthink everything), and I struggle with social interactions and conventions. And maybe that’s played a part in getting me here. And it doesn’t help when I’m trying to stay on the ‘straight and narrow’.
But from being that in childhood I’ve developed this whole dark messed up side of me, and it’s come to dominate every part of my life. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific, but it’s one of those things that really is unacceptable for good reason. I probably don’t deserve help.
Everyone deserves help, especially those willing to seek it and take responsibility, which it sounds like you are there, no?
@trying44; I’m afraid I’ve reinforced that shittiness with actions. I’ve manifested it into the real me.
@SQ: I’m not sure whether I am willing to really seek help, or how much responsibility I’m prepared to take. My motives seem to spin on a dime. I don’t know how genuine anything I say or think is.
There’s got to be someone/some place safe to deal with this, Husk.
I am sure it is scary to look inward at the “monster” as you call him, but unless you do, you can’t overcome it. You need to know what the triggers are. It helps to know why. And I think I’m getting the picture.
thehusk: I dont know you but I think in general we know our genuine emotions…dig deep…its there…its a that gut feeling…we may choose to ignore. And i bet there’s LOVE in your life..i mean not necessarily romantic but someone loves you. start with one person at a time…love back…then i think it will grow from there.
I came across a new treatment resource a few days back. I don’t know how safe/accessible it would be where I live. But beyond that, I don’t know how committed I really am to change. I went through it before and told myself I wanted to be different, but it didn’t stick. Maybe I really want to be the monster, but just don’t want to accept the social consequences and isolation that brings.
So, no one is asking you to make a commitment to change, but I am asking you to make a commitment to check it out. Do a drive by. See who’s going in. Maybe stop in to get some literature. Make a phone call.
Please check it out.
Please.
I can do that. I think it was a case of filling in an online form, and then they put you in touch with a practitioner in your area (though I live on the rural fringes.) But I can fill out the form.
That’s great. Truly wonderful!
Amazing!
I wouldn’t get carried away. But thank you for talking me into it.
Hey, man. Any positive step is cause for celebration, so pttthhhht! It is wonderful (*sing song voice*) Won-der-ful! 🙂
Well, I guess I owe you a drink (or several.) I should probably try and get some sleep (2.30am here.) Will post an update when I’ve taken that step (presuming I get some kind of response from them.)
Yes. Would love to hear from you. Hijack my posts anytime. All’s fair in suicide survival!
G’night!
*strong people
SQ I agree with that… everyone deserves help…especially those owning their mistakes.
Thehusk….. I understand what your saying…i do BUT do you think we ever “arrive” while on this earth…i dont. You just need to realize you can keep growing….sounds like you also need forgivness…and a community to accept you back in… Yo havent arrived at eternal “shittiness” despite what others say… i heard one say “theres still hope as long as you are alive” ..
On a side note…i need to take my own damd advice,
@trying44: I don’t know. It’s hard to see a way forward. I don’t think I can hope for forgiveness or acceptance from anyone. Maybe I can forgive myself, though only once I know that part of me is truly behind me. I feel pretty close to eternal shittiness right now.
But you’re right, the vast majority of people do deserve help, forgiveness, and acceptance.
maybe others wont forgive you…and that hurts for sure…i get that. But to just lay down while youre still alive and say “eternal shittiness” No. No i dont believe that. Youre still alive…you can choose a different path. You may not know how right now..i get that…but one day at a time. Do you have any faith orientation?
@trying44: I don’t have any faith. I’m pretty skeptical generally. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Though most of the atheists I know seem to manage to be perfectly decent human beings, so it’s probably just me.
I think you can forgive yourself without being perfect. You can forgive yourself as yourself and work on cleaning up as you go.
I think it’s difficult to feel you have the ‘right’ to forgive yourself, at least until you know that you’ve really changed.
It’s a gift you give yourself so that you CAN change. Clean the slate so that you CAN conquer your darker side and empower the lighter.
If you feel you have to clean up in order to receive forgiveness or give yourself forgiveness, you’ll be on a hamster wheel, which might be amusing, for a while.
I will try.
No one is born an asshole… nope. Dont believe that. We make choices and we are also greatly influenced by those around us. I think some of us are more influenced by others than some people are. when things are shitty around because of some consequences its hard to back track…in fact you cant …and then its scary to keep going…not knowing how to fix the past. Hold onto if you are alive theres still hope.
Husk, I haven’t forgotten you, man.
Thanks. I did reply up the thread, but afraid it took me a while.
I saw and replied.
treatment option.. why not try it out. Cant hurt…might help. you mentioned your family in previous posts. Try it for them