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Something New / Moving away

by Lazarus

So i finally turned 18 and suffered through months of studying, getting a job and then bam, failure.  I pass everything but Math on my GED test.  I take it AGAIN and fail.  This is the last time.  Can we talk about how god just hates me or something?  I have to do everytning myself without the freedom.  And its not even just about that.  I have a tutor, im makong progress but it still isnt about that.

Its how my parents took the money i was saving for a car.  My first car.  The car i’d use to go to work and fucking wednesday night church to see my friends.

But they had to fucking take it and blame it on eachother when they casually mention the fact that they “borrowed” it in a conversation that didnt even involve me. They say they were going to put it back.  I would have probably just loaned it to them if they asked bit they fucking didnt.

now, of all times, i have no way to take matters into my own hands without my own fucking money.

And im sorry about the money rant.  Its not just that.  Its the boiling pot of lies and emotional abuse and drinking that im fucking done with.  Im fed up to the brim, im boiling and about to rupture.  Turning 18 gave me no more leeway with them than getting a job did.  They wont trust me with anything when i get my shit done despite their bitching.

Despite the fact that they scream and yell because theyre in pain or drunk or they dont like your new fucking hair cut.  I dont need to be called a dyke for my clothes or hair or anything! Eapecially from my dad.

So you fucking know what! im MAD.

fuck them.  Fuck their shit and their alcholhol and their weed and all the stupid bullshit that led me to the realization that im 18 and i have the ability to whatever the fuck i want and i have two loving, yet far from perfect grandparents willing to let me live with them rent-free while i save money and go to college.  Because i can work at a hospital if i damn well fucking please, and i can pass my GED if i damn well fucking please and i can sure as hell not live in constant fear and stress.and anxiety about the next time theyll try to drink or yell or fight with me.  Because i’m tired.

Ive been so stressed the few days it’s made me physically sick.  I hsve to force food down my throat just so i dont fucking pass out.

I realize my sister is mad at my choices.  I realizes shes being selfish, because this is about me.  I want to help her but i can’t.  This is my choice to live with and.deal with the consequences of, even if it means leaving her alone.  I cant be there for her forever.  I cannot forever be her guardian.

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