Every second of everyday is hell without my surgeries.
I don’t care about going out. I don’t care about alcohol. I don’t care about sluts. I don’t care about drugs. I don’t care about money. I don’t care about living in a big home. I don’t care about prestige. I don’t care about love.
I don’t care about anything except for one thing.
To take back what this god stole from me..
This world is pointless. I always hated being a human because of how pathetic it is. To eat, crap, and sleep. Work like a slave and get treated like garbage. Living the life huh?
This life was so pointless but there was only one thing that gave me meaning. One thing that made it all worth it.
Only one way for me to express myself.
My ultimate obsession for training.
In my head, I was the most obsessed person in the history of this planet when it came to training.
In my head, no one will ever come close to sharing my obsession.
I trained every single day for 4.5 years from age 12 to 16.5.
That is all I did in my free time. Either train or study. Not socialize, not do drugs, not be some weak-willed human that involved myself with sluts.
All I did was train like a madman.
The final month that I trained, I did 17k pushups with 45lb, ~51-57k situps, lifted a 20lb dumbbell around once every 2 second for an hr without a single break so ~1800 times per arm without stopping (i wouldn’t be surprised if that was an unofficial world record).
I almost maxed the machines I used for 2 years.
I was going to doublt that the month afterwards and double of that, then double of THAT, etc.
I wanted to reach the utmost pinnacle that was physically possible. I wanted to train so hard that it would kill me. I was so consumed by it but then I stopped..
I trained and trained as that was all the meaning I could find in this garbage planet.
I didn’t need anyones approval, I trained because of my need to be dominant and because I loved pushing myself to my ultimate limit. A limit that no one else could reach.
I wanted to break world records to prove to myself that no one shared my level of obsession but then i broke.
My final height is 5’5 and that alone was all it took to break me.
It always killed me but I was always so sure that someone like me wouldn’t have ended up as a midget.
I was so in denial. Ever since i was a kid it killed me but i had tricked myself into believing i was a late bloomer so i was able to cope.
Then, I woke up to the twisted reality.
This world is based on luck.
It didn’t matter that I slept with ankle weights. I didn’t matter that I researched online and did everything physically possible to grow.
I wasnt stupid. In the end I knew it wasnt going to work but I used to be an optimist. I tried my best even when I knew I would fail because that was just the type of guy I used to be.
Now I am over 22.
I have over 3k suicidal notes and even that doesn’t do it any justice.
Every single second I am suffering.
I am entitled to the height surgery in Beijing.
It is my right.
Why the fucking hell are they so expensive?
I’ll tell you why. It’s because this maniacal god loves to see me squirm.
I used to be a christian you know. I understand trials but THIS was too much.
Notice how I do not capitalize the “g”? That is because this god has lost my respect.
I was stripped of the ONLY thing that mattered to me.
Now, I might as fucking well kill myself.
Those surgeries will never be mine. I wanted 3 of them. 1 for my arms and 2 for my legs.
It kills me that because of how long its been, I ended up losing my fire.
Even with the surgery, it’s not like I will ever revert to my superior self.
I will always be a shadow of my former self. I was emasculated in both body and mind.
I wasted 4 years of my life by being a good highschool student and what did that get me? Toilet paper.
I should have gotten a GED but I was misguided. No one wanted me to succeed in either body or mind.
Without training, I have no way to express my emotions effectively. Without a body that reflects my real self, the self with such incomparable will power, I might as well die.
I am living with my parents to save up money for MY surgery but I can’t take it.
Living under their roof further leaves me emasculated.
I wanted to move out and save up money for real estate investments. I wanted to live my life alone by now but this god loves to emasculate me.
I hate relying on them as if I were some damn child. I hate this height that belongs to a god damn 12-year-old.
I want to be the REAL me again but I am not going to make it.
The first surgery is too far away let alone all 3 and even with all 3, what fucking then huh?
This was a trauma. Others have it “worse” is debatable.
Without living in the same state of self-denial as me, how could you understand?
It is like comparing the pain it takes to get a phd to that of graduating kinder.
If you haven’t invested what I have and have felt the same hell as me, how could you understand?
Can you understand what it’s like to invest so much only to get nothing? I might as well have no arms or legs. I might as well… there’s no difference really.
Have you also written over 3k suicidal notes?
Were you also emasculated?
Pain is something everyone experiences but I don’t believe my pain is common, even here in this website.
For those who say at least I have shelter, etc. here’s a question:
What good are things like food and shelter to a person living without a purpose?
The answer is none. I wasn’t asking for much from life, just an even playing field but this god loves making this world LUCK based where all that matters are GENES AND RESOURCES not willpower.
You know what also sucks ass? How 80% of a human’s brain is fully developed by the age 3 so if your parents screw that up, there goes the rest of your life. I don’t believe I unlocked my full potential because of those degenerates.
Degenerates shouldn’t even be allowed to reproduce. My birth was a mistake.
I was so simple.. all I wanted was to live alone and train. Being a midget left me emasculated. I wanted to keep my masculinity but oh well. I am entitled to that height surgery.. why the hell is my surgery so expensive.. I just wanted to be me again but I am not going to make it.. 5+ years of this… screw this I endured more than I should have. I didn’t deserve what happened to me..
Here’s another question. Why live just for the mere sake of it? Maybe that’s good enough for you but it isn’t for me. I refuse to live without a purpose. I need to become my real self again or I might as well die.
The real me isn’t a damn man-child. I need my surgeries, the surgeries I was entitled to from the very beginning. I want to be me again.. to push my limit, to be the most obsessed.. to train until the day I die.. there’s no point in training with the body of a child.. I need the surgery to be able to give this life another chance but the longer I wait, the more likely that it will be too late.. I feel so numb, I think I legitimately suffered some brain damage because of these 5+ years of hell.
8 comments
I definitely feel you, and there are a few things you say that I agree with. A lot of one’s capability is based on luck, not willpower. People are born under circumstances that they sometimes just can’t get over. Some things are impossible.
But the body is a cage for all living things. With proper training, you may not become what you had originally wanted to be, but you might become something acceptable. There are many ways to live, and we’re not all defined by one or two characteristics, such as height, weight, etc.
To train doesn’t actually mean “to train the body”. If each facet of an individual is a weapon, then training means to hone your weapons, and to increase their number. Think on that.
I defined myself strictly by one characteristic and that was will power. I wanted a body that reflected that will power. I would have sacrificed anything for my dream.
But that’s the thing. Your definition of yourself was just a choice. “I want to define myself by my willpower”, as opposed to “I am actually my willpower”.
People are much harder to define. It’s not the case that someone is something irrespective of the world. If you define yourself, you have to define the world you live in, and if you define the world, you have to define the world the world lives in, which is to say the universe.
I don’t know if what I’m saying necessarily makes sense, because I tend to ramble. But my point is, you’re writing yourself off by saying “I am my willpower.” Everyone falls, and everyone dies. How you deal with disappointment will become integrated with your character, and help shape your “true self”.
Long story short, the true self is ever changing.
I respect your views but I guess we’ll live by our own philosophies. I don’t see myself as an ever changing person as I know who I was as a person. I only had one desire in this life. Personally, I don’t want to change. I am prideful and so I can’t accept anything under my expectations.
Again though, we each live by our own philosophies and I respect your views but your philosophy doesn’t fit well with my personality.
I feel sad hearing your suffering. The feeling of pain that’s not understood by others, or is judged as “not enough reason to suffer so much” etc. is familar to me also. Whether surgery, or change of perspective, or a new interest in life…… whatever it is, I hope you’ll have it. It sounds like you stopped training(?). If nothing else regular training could keep you healthy and faster healing when it comes time for surgery….. best wishes.
“The feeling of pain that’s not understood by others, or is judged as ‘not enough reason to suffer so much’”.
Yes..
I’ve been to the mental institute twice and talked to “professionals” and they all basically downplayed my problem and basically said there are other more “important” (important is subjective) things to worry about.
Basically, they can’t put themselves in your shoes, they see their opinion as the “right” one.
Only prestige and money matter, not those “little” problems..
It really is annoying to be around people who don’t understand but at least you get how hellish this is.
I’ve experienced a similar affliction in my life, always feeling inadequate and weak and doing whatever I could to rise above these feelings of anguish. Used steroids when I was 19. Genetically I was a string bean, and there’s only so much excessive exercise, performance enhancing drugs, nutrition and modern medicine can do. Meanwhile life gets inn the way any chance it gets and no one supports you, instead they try their best to hinder and stop you. At least that’s been my experience. 29 years old and still fighting for it. It’s a tough pill to swallow, I feel ya.
Yep.. effort alone just isn’t enough without the proper resources.
People have also acted as only obstacles in my eyes too. I don’t see anyone as a friend. In both body and mind, no one helped me succeed. No one saw the potential I used to see in myself. Now it’s all gone..