My psychiatrist gave me new medication recently and these are the first antidepressants I took that seem to be working. I felt awful before I started taking these and now I don’t feel at all. I am very anxious person and I feel so much and now there’s nothing. Like my brain was not working properly. Or maybe this is how it feels when a brain is working properly. I have no idea what people without mental illness feel now.
And I would think that suicidal thoughts will stop or at least get weaker as I stop feeling like I felt, when all the pain is gone, when I am not sobbing into pillow until five am every night. But there are still here. I still want to hurt myself. I still want this to stop. I still want to be gone.
I see no point in living at all. I still feel so lonely, my only friend that understands and doesn’t take me as a burden lives thousands of kilometers from me. I feel just tired of staying and fighting with my own head while the world outside tries to destroy me.
(God I sound like edgy emo teenager, great)
I told myself I will kill myself before the summer camp and yet here I am, leaving on Friday. On the other side, my younger brother will be there with me and I’m really excited to see sky full of stars that I can’t see here in a city. It might be nice.
I wish I could leave without hurting my loved ones. I wish I had the courage to end this. I am tired.
But seeing my mum’s face light up when I tell her that I am not feeling that bad, seeing how much she’s afraid that I would hurt myself or commit suicide makes it all harder. I don’t want to hurt her, I don’t want to hurt the few people that care. I don’t want to be remembered as the girl who committed suicide by age fifteen and selfishly hurt everyone around her.
So all I wish for now is seeing the sky full of stars and finding a friend who would try to understand.
I wish I could dissappear and not hurt anyone.
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Last year, at 15, I went to Nicaragua for a couple months. Every night, I would see hundreds of stars sparkle in the dark sky, sometimes shooting stars would wiz by. In those moments, I understood what life was about. I would quite my mind and appreciate the immense beauty that is the universe.
I had to come back to reality though, come back to live in the city a couple months after. I look at the sky and I see only a few stars. Society is suppressing the natural beauty of this world with their superficiality. Their own lights cover the night sky in blackness.
I was happy in those moments, but now I’m depressed again and Alone in a city were millions live by me.
Stars are beautiful, nightime sky and air is one thing that makes me feel alive, i feel it in my heart and in my lungs, its beautiful.
Sometimes feeling what i would call “emotionally numb” is the only solution to deal with immense pain, especially when anxiety is in the picture, when i first got on meds they numbed me a lot, i didnt feel anxious but i didnt feel much of anything else either.
It didn’t last forever and as hard as dealing with emotions is for me i prefer to feel.
but thats just me, some people probably will prefer the not feeling anything part.
Me too, I feel better when I am anxious and not well than when I am just nothing. It took me a lot of time to accept myself, accept all the feelings and how fragile I am and when I finally learnt to use these as a good thing more as a bad thing, I turn into cold hearted nothing because of my medication… at the other side I am happy I will not be in really bad mood on the summercamp.
I hope this will not last forever and once I get used to the medication, I will feel more again, I don’t want to lose myself and the good things that feelings bring.
I am so excited to see all the stars and breathe fresh air again.
(Also you seem like very nice and emphatic person and your art is beautiful; juat wanted to tell you)
I went stargazing tonight. I decided I wanted to learn more constellations, and i know a couple i didnt before. Its calming even with bugs, and especially pretty with fireflies below. Im lucky its easy to see them here.