Empathy

So many people are unaware of how their behavior affects the people around them. They lack the capacity to see things from the perspective of someone else, to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They lack not only that capacity, but also the compulsion to inadvertently feel what someone else is feeling. This means they’re also naturally prone to judging someone else by anything but their intentions, whereas if they were to view a situation through another person’s frame of reference, they would consider nothing but intentions, just as they would with themselves.

Even when you lay bare your mind in front of an unempathetic person, even when they agree that you don’t have bad intentions, they will judge you without remorse for something they disagree with, because they’re simply incapable of shifting their frame of reference, and thereby comprehending that if their roles were reversed, they would not make that same judgement.

Some scientists argue that empathy has to do with mirror neurons, i.e. neurons that fire both when a person experiences an emotion, and when they observe another person experiencing that emotion. It is interesting to think that both experiencing and observing an emotion result in the same or similar neurological processes, since to some extent this can be described as a virtual integration of two distinct consciousnesses, even if only in one direction. If all or most of someone else’s emotions are also carried over to you, you will naturally act as though that person’s interest were your own.

In my mind, a world of complete and utter empathy is an ideal world: Where everyone has the same interests, not because by chance they coincide, but because the interests of every individual person naturally are the aggregated interests of every person in that society. Deciding whether some resource should be given to person A or person B would then be no different from just one person deciding on how to spend their own resources. Sadly, in addition to a lot of people lacking the capacity to feel empathy, empathy also requires that people actually witness what others are going through, which is often avoided and also in a sufficiently large society just not physically possible. So this is more of a utopia than anything else.

Nevertheless, at least with the people I interact with closely, I wish they’d try to take on my frame of reference more often, not only to realize what I am going through, but also to realize that I care and am not out there to hurt people. One example would be my tendency to make jokes with and about the people I am with just as much as I joke about myself. I find it highly likable and attractive when someone is able to understand the intention behind such a joke, to accept the more or less valid criticism behind it without taking offense and to have the humility and strength of character to laugh about themselves. I love it just as much when they make the same kind of joke about myself, not only to keep my pride in check, but also because I absolutely enjoy the witty back and forth that this results in.

A lack of this is something that for me represents a red flag in a relationship. If she isn’t joking about and with me to keep me grounded and takes me too seriously, and if I can’t make jokes about her in good intentions without causing her to be offended, then not only does this take away a LOT of fun in a relationship, but it also makes me question whether it is even viable in the long term.

/rant