I am very much scared of what will happen to me in the future, but it wasn’t always like that. When we were still together I had the strong belief that everything was somehow going to turn out fine, at least as long as I was with her. I don’t know why exactly that was. Part of it probably had to do with the fact that she was all I wanted, anything else felt optional. Another part was that I couldn’t allow myself to be weak and question myself and us every step along the way, because if I had started feeling depressed and suicidal as well, our relationship would have likely gone down the drain in no time.
It isn’t only that I am scared of what will happen. It’s also that I don’t really know anymore what I want to happen in my future at all. Job, family, children, house, that all sounds so unappealing now. What am I doing it for anyway?
She was my home. And despite the meaninglessness and tragic nature of life, it kind of made sense sharing that with her. Now I feel homeless and lost, just continuing this miserable existence so I can spare my family from the loss of a loved one.