When my ex had breakdowns, she could let herself be admitted to a mental hospital and just stay there for weeks at a time. Not only was she away from her family who she hated, but she even liked the place, the staff and other patients she met there, the activities they did, and being able to let go of everything. She didn’t have a job or any other kind of responsibility in her life other than trying to stay alive, so the hospitalization didn’t interfere with anything.
I don’t think she ever realized how much of a luxury that was. I wish I was able to do the same, to just erase everything that’s on my mind and live in a different world, even if only temporarily. But I can’t. I’d have to let my family know somehow, because they’d get worried if they didn’t hear from me for so long, but that’s doable. I’d also have to skip uni for that time, though that’s also doable. What isn’t doable is quitting my job, or telling them that I’m a mental fuckup and suicidal so that they let me leave for a couple of weeks (least of all without prior notice). I need that job, because it’s the only thread I have to a functional future.
I want to escape so badly, but I am not able to without ruining my life and that of everyone that cares about me.
Ironically, my ex only ever saw me be lazy and easily handle my responsibilities. She never understood, and during breakdowns would often bring up how easy my life is, and that it really couldn’t compare to hers and her problems. And after two years of having me by her side looking out for her and taking over her responsibilities in addition to mine, after losing count of how many times she went to the mental ward, she now has the guts to tell me that I need to man up and just fix my problems on my own. That I am lazy and not proactive, that I don’t acknowledge my problems and don’t want to get better. Talking about projection of problems, eh.