I just discovered this site yesterday and this is my first post. I figured it would help me to just write everything down even if nobody sees it because I don’t have anybody that I can talk to.
I am 22 years old and have been suicidal off and on since I was about six years old. Here lately I’ve been going through a very dark stage. For me depression is alot like a pit that you want to crawl into but shouldn’t. Once you crawl in and embrace the depression it’s very difficult to get out. Since I was a kid I’ve been around abuse my mothers second husband was very abusive. When I was seven I told her I couldn’t be around her any more unless she left him. She did leave him, but has hated me ever since. She really didn’t like me much at all before that, but that didn’t help. My mother is an alcoholic and wouldn’t ever speak to me but would get very angry when she was drunk and would out of nowhere hit me and kick me out of her house when I was in my teens. a few days after kicking me out she would call me screaming that I want home and I needed to come home. About a year ago I realized that I was sexually abused by my mothers third husband (who she is still married to) growing up. I had sort of blocked it out and told myself that it was normal. I never told anyone, but my mother noticed he was close to me and would beat me up for “stealing her husband” and told her friends and family that I was a whore. The sexual abuse started when I was about 11 and as I got older became more subtle. Once I came to the realization that it wasn’t normal everything about me changed. I used to love to do my hair and makeup and wear attractive clothing. Now I’m disgusted by the thought of it. I’m now at the point where I have a major anxiety attack when I have to leave the house because I don’t want men to look at me. I’m also engaged which is a little difficult because I have changed so much and because my fiancé hasn’t ever dealt with depression. It’s very difficult because I don’t have any friends or family and talking about depression and social thoughts can be a lot of pressure on a romantic relationship. I started cutting myself just to calm myself down when I’m having anxiety attacks. I think as I get older I get more and more serious about committing suicide. Yesterday I was going to try to OD but I don’t want to hurt my fiancé. It’s so weird to me that somebody can be not depressed that I really don’t want to fuck that up for him.
3 comments
Dear God. I am truly sorry that you have had so much terrible shit happen in your life. You are a strong person – you have taken a lot.
Have you considered seeking professional help? Possibly someone who has experience dealing with abuse. She/he might be able to help you sort everything out. I fear it will be a long, difficult road, but you can do it.
I get the impression you haven’t shared any of this with your fiance? If not, you may want to consider doing so. While the prospect of losing him is no doubt scary as hell, you’ll find out what kind of relationship you have. If you are to be married, you should be supporting each other in tough times. Is there a possibility of losing him anyway because you’ve “changed so much”?
Thank you very much for the support PhotographyIsMyLife. I have thought about seeking professional help, but need to save up money to be able to go first. I have spoken with my fiancé and he’s actually more supportive than I would have imagined. I just know it can be really difficult on a spouse when the other one is going through depression, so sometimes I feel guilty taking about it. He hasn’t ever given the impression that he would leave because I’ve changed, maybe that’s just in my head. I think it just makes me feel insecure because I used to really take pride in my appearance and ever since I remembered the sexual abuse i don’t feel comfortable getting dressed up and stuff.
Good for you! That took a lot of courage. Good for him, too – he knows he’s got a good person. 🙂
I hear what you’re saying about how being depressed can be tough on a spouse. Sometimes I wonder how my wife deals with me. But she does. (I got really lucky, too…but so did she 😉 )
I think it’s important to remember that we are not our depression. We’re still the same people. And remember – if you’re lucky, marriage is for a good, long time. There will be times when he’ll need your support. So don’t feel guilty about asking for support.
Oone final thing. I don’t know if this helps. You said you lost interest in doing your hair & makeup since this happened. If you think that had anything to do with what happened to you, stop that thinking. Criminals like that will abuse people regardless. It’s totally on them. Totally.