August 12th, 2017 by snader

I am stuck on a train miles and miles away from him. And this piece of shit isn’t going fast enough, I need to be there now now now. I needed to be there an hour ago. But distance is real and teleporting is not and so I am stuck, waiting for time to pass by, hoping somehow time itself will realise this is an emergency and speed up x2.
My boyfriend is in the hospital for stomach aches and vomiting and feeling like utter crap. They’re taking scans and photos and examining him but so far they don’t know shit. Just that he’s unwell. And that it’s pretty serious.
And I have been sobbing like a child for 2 hours now because this whole thing reminds me too much of losing my brother, losing him so suddenly and out of the blue and I am torn into pieces and crying like a child on the train because it hurts like hell. And this may sound cheesy as fuck but hey ho, it’s the truth. Thomas is everything, he is positivity itself and he is living to the fullest and dreaming when wide awake and loving like there’s no tomorrow. He is the sun and love and life itself. He is what gets me through the day and what helps me sleep at night. He is every thing and everything.
I have never loved anyone like this and I am petrified of losing this ray of sunshine in my life. There must be a reason why loving and losing only differ one letter. They are so close to each other, interrelated, the one cannot go without the other.

Writing this has helped time pass a little more. Only a small hour left until I get to cry my eyes out next to his bed and tell him he’s not allowed to leave. I wanna take in his smell and stroke his cheeks and kiss his lips and feel the warmth of his body. I wanna put my ear on his chest and hear his heart beat, beat after beat after beat. I wanna fall asleep like that and forget about life and loving and losing and just listen to that heartbeat.
Proof that he isn’t leaving. Proof that he won’t let go. Proof he’s alive.

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