I was in a very abusive relationship, I don’t like talking about it but I need to because I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t. His name was Roman. He was very kind to me and that meant a lot to me because I was going through a really dark episode. It started small, degrading me with words. Then he started hitting me, kicking me, eventually things got sexual. He was into a lot of kinky stuff that I won’t get into. I have headspaces called little space, kitten space and slave/sub space. I only go into them occasionally but he took advantage of them. He’d force me to do things, he forced me to train to be his slave, it was awful. And if I looked at him at all without permission I got slapped. One day I had enough, I was done with the pain and I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He wouldn’t accept that, so he beat me till I couldn’t move, I passed out. I woke up to him raping me. Now he had done some messed up stuff but he never went that far. When he was done he told me I couldn’t leave. He got me pregnant, I ended up having a miscarriage and it was because after that he wouldn’t stop raping me. He blamed me of course. Eventually he got bored of me and just left. He said it wasn’t fun anymore because I didn’t fight back. I still gate myself. And I believe everything he’s said, how I’m disgusting and unlovable. I’m trying to be good with my boyfriend because we’re getting serious and sometimes it’s so hard not to think of what’s happened and it feels like I’m drowning.
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I’m going to be blunt: this is awful, really terrible. I’m so sorry that you’ve had this experience with someone. I can’t begin to imagine how traumatic it must be.
It will take time and patience from your current boyfriend to believe otherwise – to believe that you’re not unlovable and disgusting.
May not mean much coming from a stranger, but I can assure you that you’re not unlovable and disgusting, and as difficult as it may be, the previous man you had is completely wrong with what he has made you believe, and that it’s one of many tactics abusers use to keep the person being abused under their control, by making them believe that no one else would want them. He’s clearly wrong, since you are able to have another boyfriend and start to get serious and it is great that you’ve been able to do that.
I’m glad you were able to get away from it in the end, even though the damage had already been done – the aftermath can be reversed. Through a lot of support and reassurance in many ways.
I hope this gets better for you and that it doesn’t continue to interfere with your current relationship. Try not to feel like you’re in the wrong about what’s happened because you are not (at all). It’s understandable to have all these thoughts and feelings but just remember that they’re not the same person, at all – and that even if something were to happen, you’re more likely (or rather, guaranteed) to see the red flags and hopefully be able to step away from the relationship.
Remember to listen to yourself if you feel that something is wrong, and speak about it. It’s cliché, but communication is really key. If you haven’t shared these concerns with your current boyfriend already, you should so that he is aware of the situation.
Thank you so much, my current boyfriend is great about it, he never tries to go to fast or take it to far. But my ex, he took my childhood away…I’m 15 now, I was 14 when he did it..
You should’ve gotten him charged with rape and assault. Vermin like him should be locked up for life-so other women don’t get abused the way you were.
I’m sorry for what you went through-too bad you didn’t read the early warning signs, esp. when it turned into mental and physical abuse. You could’ve avoided a lot of suffering-but it’s good that you’re not with him nor had any kids with this SOB.
We’ve all been in situations that we regret-nothing much can be done but to accept it as a hard lesson learned and try to not make the same mistakes again.
I tried to get him locked up, but I had no proof really because it was a while later and I was trying to get all the information I could on how to lock him up. But no one believed me, they all said he was too nice to do something like that..
It’s good that you at least tried. It is hard to prove if a lot of time had passed-it’s unfortunate you didn’t take pictures or go to the hospital after it happened so they could confirm you were raped-that would’ve sealed the deal for sure, that asshole would’ve been rotting in jail now.
But the main thing is that you’re safe now-good thing he left or the abuse could’ve been even worse. Just know that not all men are like this-there are some who genuinely care about women but you have to be careful. If some man starts badmouthing you, don’t stand for it, just leave. You are better off alone than to be with someone who makes your life miserable or a living hell.
Abusive men prey on girls who are weak/have low self-esteem, because they’re cowards and they can’t handle a strong woman, so just don’t take any bs from anyone. Best of luck in the future.
You should have spent your time wiser than with someone like Roman. You need to do something more with your life than waste it on Roman. Chop chop, get to it.
Trying..
People like Roman ruine nice kinky girls, now this girl won’t wanna have rough sex.
Rough sex is fun, being kinky is fun, just make sure he loves you first, Roman sounds like a little boy.
Face slapping isn’t allowed anyways.
<3
She said she’s 15 years old. Please don’t act perverted on the post of a teenager who’s in psychological pain because of a psychopathic scumbag who took advantage of her.
Way to judge and label “kinky” as “perverted”. You just degraded the commenter and the OP for being perverts. Go back to your missionary hetero catholic sex.
Thank you for saying that….it means a lot…
Um…. I meant no disrespect whatsoever to the OP, I support any kind of consensual sex between either teens around the same age or adults. The commenter before me was acting perverted by focusing on her not wanting “rough sex” anymore as if THEY were gonna f**k her. Jesus Christ. People just notice nothing nowadays huh?
I literally can’t say anything now to support people under 18 without getting slapped in the face by bitchy people who know nothing about me. What a world it’s become.
Ya…
I want to cry for you. I am SO SORRY that this happened to you and it makes me feel so sad that people like that are out there. You are so wonderful and didn’t deserve that. That was horrible and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It wasn’t your fault it never will be. Unfortunately there are people like that out there and it’s just terrible.