“We do not chose to be born but we do have some kind of decision in the way we die”
It’s funny how life works at times. For as long as I can remember it’s been this way. I just don’t know if it is ever going to end. Its really hard, living like everything is fine. I tend to focus on other people’s problems then my own. To be able to survive this I tell myself that maybe there is a reason I’m like this but I’m tired of lying to myself, I’m tired of believing something that isn’t true and nothing but a sham.
I’m not your typical teenager, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. I don’t know who I am or who I’m meant to be. Why am i here? Why do I look like this? What is my purpose? Telling people or writing it down wont get me anywhere. Whenever I find my escape something goes wrong. I just want to be able to breathe.
My family has no idea who I really am, they do not know that this disease has taken over a long time ago. Everything just isn’t right.
Here goes nothing:
I come from a background that isn’t that accepting. Everything i ever do “reflects on my parents” which is why I am not able to be myself. I contemplate suicide most of the time, I’m depressed and I cut. Almost all then time i feel like it can never get better. My life is shit. I feel so fucking bad for saying that because it’s selfish, it really is. There are people dying from much worse and I’m here writing this. Let’s start with my family, my dad. My dad is a hypocrite, he really is. I started cutting after i got into a fight with him. He has always abused my mom, both physically and mentally. He drinks and does things his religion forbid, yet he gives me shit about my being. I really don’t care. If he wants to do those things, let him but let him be upfront about it. Moving one to my mom, she tries to provide everything she cans but she just has to threaten about it. If you are going to do something for someone then do it without manipulating them. At times she’s the most two faced person I know, she agrees to shit but then lies to my dad. Whenever we have an argument she hits me, now she must know how it feels since my dad does it to her and to my siblings, it’s not okay. I have rights and I shouldn’t be subjected to this but if i want to have a future I have to.
Parents say they don’t have favorites but trust me they do. My sister is my mom’s favorite. She gets everything she wants and almost never get’s shit from my parents. She has done shit that is so fucked up but there aren’t any consequences since she’s their favorite. On top of that, she hates me. She really does. She thinks my life is this perfect fairytale when in reality it’s a tragedy. Reminding me daily that I’m a failure and that i am never going to have a future. Cutting this short, I have more siblings but with them it isn’t as bad and I don’t want to make this longer than it us already going to be. My brother is the last person I’m going to write about right now. That little brat gets away with everything. Just because he is the youngest he gets everything he wants. Whenever we get into a fight, the blame is on me. He might be young but he uses it to his advantage. Just because they are blood it definitely isn’t okay for me to be treated with such hate and be totally fine with it.
To end this, I just don’t think I can keep up with this anymore. Almost 2 years ago, I used to have someone I could talk to about all of this but i talked to him through this app that he just stopped using and he never replied to my messages. I don’t know where he is anymore or if he is okay but I really hope he hasn’t killed himself. He would have told me, wouldn’t he? I don’t think he would have. I might have been too young to understand. I just don’t know. There is so much in my head, I just don’t know how to put it down. If you read my post and got to this, thank you so much.
ps. I am not innocent and I’ve done some pretty messed up things, I am not perfect but I’m not sure I deserve this.