Guess who’s back! You guessed it! It’s me, the local fuck up, back again to post something because I feel suicidal. “Oh look at me, aren’t I special?” You know, I bet a whole lot of you wish I would just fucking do it already. To be fair, I do too, so we’re on the same page.
You know, if I were to fucking kill myself right now, I could do it and my parents wouldn’t fucking notice, and that’s pretty cool. That means they trust me enough to leave me alone for a decent amount of time. That’s pretty cool of them. I don’t care what they did to me, they’re some cool people. Everyone makes their mistakes, you know? Everyone fucks up. I fuck up more than anyone, so I above all people should know this.
God, nobody fucking likes me. I’m such a hypocritical, whiny, pathetic ****. I’m a ***** and it’s bothering other people. Why won’t I just stop being alive? Why can’t I just somehow get some kind of disease that kills me slowly and painfully? I would deserve that.
Shit, man. My head is spinning. I feel like I’m being strangled, and I’m just locked in the bathroom alone. That’s the one feeling I can’t handle, strangulation. That puts me back to a couple of times where I was strangled by people I really hold dear. That was a wicked bummer, you know? When I was 10 years old, I would strangle myself using a bandana to remember these visions. It sounds insane, but that was the most peaceful I’ve ever felt, with those passed out visions. They weren’t fucked up like they are now.
Now everything is all fucked up because I had to “be the hero”. Did I actually think anyone would respect me for this? Did I actually hope someone would change a part of their attitude just because I thought I was special and asked them to? What kind of dumbass **** am I?
All my friends leave me, and I still act surprised. How could anyone stand to be around me when I am constantly so depressed? And even when I’m not depressed, I’m still fucked up. Who wants to be around that?
I need to fucking forgive and move on, but instead of being a nearly good person, I decide to be as shitty as possible.
I can’t do another year of school. I can’t do it. I know people will say, “Oh, you’ve made it this far; you should just keep on going!” Yeah, I wish it was like that. I wish that statement was helpful. I’m too afraid to be alive. The mere idea that I’m not even halfway through with life, not even a quarter through with life, makes vomit rise in my disgusting esophagus.
So, I know all of you people advocate the whole living thing or whatever, but like, being alive, man, it’s not worth it. If I have to feel like this another day, it’s not worth it. This isn’t living. This is getting by and maintaining what I have, and that’s what life is about. It’s not about these great things I want to do; it’s about getting through another day. But what does that day signify? Congrats! You’ve suffered another day without figuring a way out of it! Can we get a round of fucking applause for our genius over here?
I know that people will be sad for awhile because it will make them think and realize that they should treasure those they love. That’d be cool, if people just fucking used my waste of life as something beneficial. That would be useful, worth something. My family is in a pot where they don’t really need me anymore. My friends, or what is left of them, are all doing decenr enough. Sure, some people will be sad for a bit, but they know as well as I do that I’d just fuck up life for everyone around me anyway.
I am the epicenter of your problems, and I am a narcissist. Do not forgive me. I do not deserve it.
10 comments
how old are you
what year of school are you in
its only one year.. left you can do it
you can basically consciously exit and sleep through it with your eyes open
but alike you, I wonder what the point is
If you still want to die after competing the “last” year.
You have a big attitude and can go on and on over text
You said “man, I could do it right now and no one would know. I SHOULD just fucking do it already.”
That is how I frequently feel. I oughta do it VERY SOON. I look forward to this point in time.. because it feels closer than I have ever been. That is why I enjoy this site, because it is so morbid as I near my morbid exit. YA KNOW, IM ALWAYS NAGGING MYSELF. JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT, END YOUR LIFE TODAY… EVERY DAY.. Then I wake up and think all day “SHOULD I DO IT TODAY? It’s a different type of work than usual and it will take more out of me than I am used to giving. And right when I go to complete it there is going to be someone else’s voice nagging in my other ear when things are a little different then every other day. Which is literally a repeat of the day before.
Much of the time when I am shut up of the regular stupid shit I am forced to do and have a moment alone
I just think about how terrible everything I’ve ever known is
and say aloud to myself
“I can’t wait to kill myself” or “I can’t wait to end my life.”
It’s the only thing I want out of this life.
I’m in my last year of high school, but that doesn’t quite bring me the consolation it used to. May I ask what you mean by myself having a “big attitude”?
Also, reading through this, I see that you are very eerily like me, but I suppose that makes sense; we’re here for the same reason.
I mean you write with a lot of emotion and are entertaining. I understand you are in last year of high school I also wanted to kill myself after high school ended – be sure if you’ve never been hospitalized to tell anyone you can’t really trust anything, or you may be hospitalized, then that will be in your memory and on your record forever…. it’s not a good place, but you may want to try medication. I would not take any pills other than a very low dose of xanax or Ativan, the rest just fucks you up more.
You do not need to be hospitalized to receive medication you just need a psychiatrist. But pills you have to be really careful with cause they can make you feel more dead than alive. And start a whole life long addiction to a pill to make you feel better while dealing with the bad side effects and never being able to stop.
I like to live without pills in my system, I do not take pills, but pills never made me less suicidal they just gave me more pain and grief.
I am now 23 and my goal was to be dead when I turned 18 after graduation of high school – I am sadly still alive due to lack of resources to a method.
I would suggest in your case to do something I always wished I could but could not afford to – try really hard in school and get into a good college out of state (Ivy League if you are ambition) and live in the dorms while continuing education. Especially if it is because of an unhappy home life that makes you suicidal.
I mean I thought I couldn’t afford it but I never applied for scholarships which are not that hard to get if you do really good in high school.
It’s funny that you advise me to do well in school; that’s actually the only thing I can “succeed” in. (I say “succeed” because, at the end of the day, knowing how to take several-hour-long tests probably isn’t going to do anything for me in life.) I’ve gotten myself set up pretty well to get out of the state and get into a college. You’ve got more life experience than I do, so I’ll trust your implication that a good education will help something. Hopefully the seemingly-endless monotony will be worth it.
There’s several reasons I’m not going to seek help, but I appreciate your concern. I don’t exactly have the resources regarding the psychiatrist, and even if I did, I couldn’t force myself or someone else to pay money so because I’m too stubborn to change. This is very much about me being in control of myself, which I am not currently. I’m sure I’ll get control of myself soon enough, and if I do not, I will die, and that will be okay.
Well, If you live with your parents then you probably have health insurance and that pays pretty much the entire cost minus 40$ something. There are resources at health and welfare in your state to get you financial assistance if you can’t even pay that, where you can get your medications for free possibly.
My friends in high school liked the attention deficit medications.. I guess it helps them focus. Which could help you more in school.
I didn’t like antidepressants or anti-psychotics but…… benzodiazepines I liked, but they won’t give me.
My friends like Ritalin and adderall which I think has one of the same chemicals as methamphetamine has so haha I was never prescribed those either though. They tried to prescribe me stupid fucking gay shit like lexapro and cymbalta and hydoxyzine. Just gay shit that wouldn’t do anything or help me in any way. Then anti-psychotics they prescribed me gave me diabetes type 2.
But my friends aren’t suicidal they just think drugs are cool. I’m suicidal and they don’t give me shit that helps.
Doctors scare the shit out of me, man. I think the biggest part of my problem with getting pills is that I know they won’t solve my problem. I know that I’m the problem, and the only point in having those pills would be to stockpile them to kill myself later, and that isn’t helping anyone. Helping myself doesn’t help anything, it doesn’t solve any problems, therefore I see no reason to do it. The most it would do is help me, and I don’t deserve that. Not yet, at least. I haven’t done anything good to deserve it. This is a behavioral problem rather than strictly a mental one, and thus pills will do nothing to help it.
Life is tough, really tough