still here thanks to, of all things, an ulcer…..

I posted before about how I was at peace with my decision and ready to go.  I had things planned for a certain date….but by the time that date came around I was in excruciating, immobilizing physical pain.

I was supposed to execute my plan last Wednesday night.   But during the day, I was having terrible stomach pain and a friend insisted on driving me to the ER.  I waited two days for them to run a bunch of tests, during which time I was hopeful:  maybe it was something fatal (the pain sure felt like it could be) and I could just die naturally.  I could go and people could remember me in a positive light, rather than this selfish person who chose death.  And no one would have any guilt along the lines of “is there something I should have picked up on”.

No such luck.   After all that fanfare, the diagnosis is an ulcer.   Nothing fatal.  Nothing exotic.  Just good old fashioned chronic pain.

The Dr thinks my history of bulimia caused the ulcer.  Go figure.  Couldn’t puke enough to make myself skinny, but managed to puke enough to give myself a fucking ulcer.

Now the suicide mood has tapered off slightly….I don’t know how to explain it, but as much as I still want to do it and as much as I feel it is inevitable, I’ve lost that wonderful trance like state that would have made it so easy.  Maybe it will come back, or maybe I can do it without the trance……but I miss that feeling….it was so…….magical almost.   I can’t really describe it.  I feel like the stomach pain was what snapped me out of it and I’m not sure how to get back into it.

So now, I’m at the end of a long weekend, still in pain (they gave me pain meds but they aren’t doing much and I’m almost out), trying to figure out whether I should a) get out of bed and go do something productive in order to be ready for the week ahead; b) stay in bed all day (again); c) enact my original suicide plan, though I’m afraid with the pain I might not physically be able to do it; or d) enact another plan that has more risks but isn’t as physically demanding.

The fact that I am considering non death options suggests that I should probably err on the side of caution and go with those.  This is why I want my trance back: everything was so clear.

On the other hand, this pain just might tip me over the edge in short order.  I had always heard about people suffering chronic pain and I always thought that would be awful, but I didn’t have a real conception of it until now.  I have the utmost of respect for those of you who have been dealing with chronic pain for years.  I’ve been dealing with it for only about a week and already I feel like I’m in a war of attrition and the pain is winning.   That in and of itself is enough to want to die.  It reminds me of the story of the guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and left behind a note that said “no reason other than I had a really bad toothache”.