September 13th, 2017by Blackholeheart

As if my waking life wernt depressing enough I’m still haunted by the mistakes in my dreams replaying distortedly and taking on a life of its own as the time passes on…..the same two scenes.  Despite the dream they both end the same,  me screaming at my phone.
I use to wake up crying after these dreams,  now I just wake up feeling shitty,  have a vape and go back to bed.
Vaping…that’s a laugh right?!
I started vaping to get healthy,  lotta good that’s going to get me…..and honestly vaping improved my health hugely,  but I find myself smoking more often now when im stressed out,  I haven’t quite given in fully yet,  I still enjoy vaping alot.
At this point I’m just kind of on autopilot,  filling in my days going to work and actually doing a good job,  then mindlessly staring at the television or monitor reading posts on here or binge watching television shows & movies,  as I stash away my cash,  putting on the “I’m ok” facade for friends and family so as not to worry them.  For years it was always the thought of what it will do to my mother,  but sadly even that doesn’t cut it anymore,  all I can do is do my best to explain in the letter that there wasn’t anything she could have done.

I still wish I had a time machine.

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