A few days i ago i stopped fighting.

Hello there! My name is not relevant, i am 27 yrs old and fantastically funny guy with more smiles per day than i can send to all the other wonderful human beings! I have no trouble with relationships, am open mind, can relate to others without effort  and never had any issues with human interaction. Bad day? No problem, i will lift you up with sound advice and a big fat smile!

This was me 9 years ago. I was the sunshine kid that walked through the door into any dark and foggy room just to vanquish all the negativity by radiating positive vibes. My life has significantly changed. I grew up in a shelterd existence. I was taught how to be kind and not condemn anyone. I was taught to be tolerant of others and not making them feel bad by certain actions or emotions.  I was a happy chubby kid. By 14 yrs old, i was bullied in school which led me to write an essay about the demise of mankind. I wrote a few pages into a notebook which i handed in with my Biology exam. The teachers were outraged and i had to visit the school counsellor and a psychologist. My parents discarded my action as childish stupidity.

By 16 and thanks to genetics i was quite a bit taller and beefier than the kids that bullied me. I took my rage out on all of them. I did enough damage to my perpetrators that they left me alone. The reprecussions i had to face were minor. My parents discarded my actions as childish stupidity.

One day i woke up and reality hit me a like train. The world is a shitfest, there is no purpose, everything is driven by greed, power, ego. The only absolute is death.

I became the boy that befriended everyone. Every “group” in school, I was in friendly relationship with. Everyhwere but in reality nowhere.  I crushed on quite a lot of girls but was always greeted with rejection. I was invited to all kinds of social activity but never connected properly to anyone. My physical superiority led me to join the school rugby team. What a great time. Again, friends with everyone on the team, unconnected.

During that time i never experienced real existential discomfort. I thought that is how life is. I kept going. My emotions didnt. I never learned to cope with my emotions and considered sharing them a fatal weakness.

By 18 i stopped going to school. It was around easter 2008, i died, i just didnt know yet. Staying up through the night, escaping reality by watching TV-Shows, playing video games and reading. Everything i have ever done was done in extremes. I didnt know how to moderately do anything, Either complete obsession or catastrophic lethargy. My parents didnt know what to say about me leaving school. They were powerless. Screaming, physical violence and any kind of threat lost all their effectiveness on me. I told them i would go to a private school for a year to finish school. That was a lie, i never intended to. I still went, to no avail.

I used to care a lot. I cared about everyone and everything. My heart was broken many times but i figured that being empathic comes with pain, so hey! its gonna be alright.
They pain was too much. Gradually i toned down my empathy. I went too far – my existence is now based on fear, anxiety and misery.
I left this world into movies, tv-shows and video games.

I spent my years by working dead end no qualification needed jobs and playing games. Everything overshadowed by a thick suffocating mist. My parents only engaged me with screaming and hatred for not doing their bidding.

I grew fat. Eating was the last positive sensation to make me feel alright. My knee was in bad shape from a rugby accident. My bloodpressure was alarmingy high. My cholesterol was thorugh the roof. I smoked 2 packs a day, no problem. Secretly i was hoping that all that stuff would end me.

I met a girl. I met THE girl. She was in another country. We wrote a lot. Something was very right here. Without doubt in my mind, free of all my fear and anxiety i took a week’s leave from work hopped on a plane and flew to her. I was super nervous but not afraid. I landed, looked fot her in all the faces at the airport. This is the first time i saw her in person. When i put my arms around her, a storm of calm and  serenity came down on me as gentle as a spring breeze. Everything was alright.

She was the person i didnt know i needed. What a majestic creature. She took me as i was. Fat, odour like a crematory but a kind and loving person. Our relaionship was long distance for 2 years. Then she moved to my city. I bought an apartment just for us to be together. We were together for two more years. Although we were kindred spirits, we had demons that couldnt deal with each other. We agreed to go our seperate ways. She went back home and i was here. Became unemployed. Living on social support. Hustling on the side tutoring and as night club bouncer.

I am grateful for her. The best four years in my life. Unfortunately our time didnt change my underlying sadness. I have recuperated and moved on.
There were a few more girls i was with after that but nothing serious ever developed again. Although being a fat fuck with a smoking and eating problem, my outside personality was charming and super funny which was enough to charm a few ladies.

I went to a therapy. Didnt help. Took meds. Didnt help. My health deteriorated. I stopped interaction on social media and any other channel as i thought it was fucking pointless. I was facing diabetes as a health checkup revealed alarming insulin levels. Lucky me, false positive. Yea, lucky.

I wasnt able to care anymore. Didnt brush my teeth. Showered infrequently. Didnt shave. Was smelly. Physical pain was the only way to make me go to a doctor. Fear and misery, my only companions. I never had friends. Every attempt from other people to befriend me was crushed by my fear of revealing any true emotion. People were attracted to me. I was funny, witty, well spoken,  had my own strong opinions, knew all kinds of stuff, knew how to talk to people. I forcefed myself information over the years in fear of not being interesting as a person. People usually liked me as i was relatable, on the outside. I was able to enrich people’s lifes by showing them completeply different perspectives on things. I even got positive feedback from people. But nothing mattered to me. No confirmation. No compliment. I didnt believe in any of it. I didnt care. My demise was set.

Deep down, like very very deep down i still believe that i am a pretty cool dude. Does it really matter?

My self worth has stopped existing. I have become afraid of women. My outside personality is almost dead, not enough smiles left. Days full of gluttony and escapism. Years of gluttony and escapism. I am not worth existing anymore. I dont see how i could fix any of my problems. I cant give my life purpose. So what’s the point? I have endured 9 years of inner pain, self-loathing and misery. There was a small flickering spark left somewhere.

Being angry at everyone and everything was replaced by being content. Content that nothing matters.

But, last year i started the selfrepair process. I was tired of being a piece of shit. I was tired of not caring anymore. Tired of not making an effort. My soul was tired of my vessel.

I went to therapy, took my meds regularly. Started eating completely different. I showered, brushed my teeth and did my hair daily. I did my household chores, kept everything clean and fresh.  I have learned that every problem has a solution. I went to an institution that treats people that suffer from obesity, diabetes and other cardiovascular afflictions. I hired a nutritionist. In the last year i have lost 26kg of weight. My bloodpressure is at normal. My cholesterol is at an acceptable number. I have applied for several apprenticeships. I have met people. The sun is shining again. I love people. Every single one. Fantastic creatures full of ideas, imagination, emotions, kindess. With all their quirks and personality traits. I really do.

You know that is still there? The sadness and eternal void.

I have made my choice the date is to be set yet. I have written my last will. I have ordered all the devices required for my exodus.
To a life full of pointless struggle.

I cant remember the time when i made such an effort to write anything. I hope you enjoy a light read.