It is hard to keep the balance between depression and sadness on the one side and anxiety and restlessness on the other. Both feel like shit, but it gets way worse if I get too much of one for too long a period of time.
The former makes me lose interest in things, makes me not give a shit about what happens in my life, stops me from fighting to get better, and if that stays for too long I lose the few things in my life that still give me some kind of meaning; university, and the hope that one day I will have a family and can leave all of this behind me.
The latter on the other hand literally makes me pace around the apartment with my hands at my head begging whatever it is to get out of my head, gives me the urge to do things, good and bad, makes me so restless that I can’t sleep at night which always destroys my sleeping schedule, makes me hate myself, and it is also incredibly exhausting both physically and mentally. Most of all it’s the primary cause of my suicidal periods and brings my considerations closest to that point, more so than when I am simply depressed.
Sometimes I can control it to an extent, for example listening to music usually relaxes me and takes away a little of the restlessness, although it then makes me really sad and emotional. Thinking about how shitty my life is, about all the chances I missed, the myriad of mistakes I did, about a future of failures makes me restless, makes me want to get active, but it brings with it all the anxiety-related problems. Most of the time though there’s not much I can do, or sometimes even have the desire to do in that state.
It’s hard to keep the balance. I’ve had a few weeks of anxiety and restlessness until yesterday, when I found this random playlist on Youtube that for some reason really calmed me down and thankfully alleviated some of that pressure. I am not sure how long this will last, but it sure as hell is a relief for once. I don’t want to stay on this path for too long, because things in my life need to change, and I need to get and keep active, even with all the anxiety. I’ll see how things continue from here, but at least for now I can rest.
3 comments
I’m just a lurker but I wanted to say you’re one of my favorite people to read. This post is right in line with my daily struggle. I make it worse by drinking coffee when I’m depressed, which sends me straight to anxiety, and taking anxiety/sleeping meds when I’m restless, which sends me straight to depression. Of course I also tried getting off drugs completely but that just makes the swings more unpredictable. There is no middle ground. I don’t know if this is a “disorder” or if it’s just the way life is. But I’m struggling too.
Glad someone can take something positive off of my rambling 🙂 I don’t drink coffee, but I think there are healthy ways to avoid anxiety and depression that don’t send you straight back to the other. For example for me a hug – more than just for saying hello or goodbye – gives this rush of positive emotions that reliably kills both depression and anxiety, at least temporarily. Or even better, having someone that you can sleep next to at night. When I used to have that, I barely had any anxiety or depression episodes, apart from when something dramatic happened. That’s not really accessible to me right now, sadly, so I somehow have to walk this tightrope without it, but at least I know that there’s the possibility of living a normal anxiety-free and depression-free life.
That description really made me think. I haven’t had a long term relationship in years, and I never thought it mattered much to my state of mind. When I get into a deep suicidal crisis, nobody can make it go away. But little things like hugs and warm bodies make a difference, and maybe that helps keep the suicidal crises to a minimum. PS I just dumped my coffee in the sink thanks to you lol