Guess who decided it weren’t time just yet to die? It’s been a few weeks or so and now I’ve rejoined the Suicide Forums to tell you that I’m still alive.
How has my life been since failing to take my life? It’s been alright, I suppose. I decided to try again with that ONE SPECIFIC college my ex attends and couldn’t cope with the lack of sleep it was causing me so I transferred back to our local college. Right now I’m studying art so I can get a shortcut to Level 3 Health & Social Care. Afterwards I am hoping to move onto Uni. (Yes, a little overstretched. I know).
I have found different ways to look at life, beginning to care less and less about everyone who doesn’t matter to me, who doesn’t benefit my happiness in anyway — those false friends, the waste of spaces which are my exes, people who don’t want to know my person, who I am on the inside — I’m learning how to shut myself off now.
I’ve been losing contact with friends left right and centre, but that doesn’t matter to me if they need to go then who is stopping them? Now I’m only seeking those who truly care about me; good friends, real friends. I don’t take it to heart who wants to leave anymore, because it’s a natural occurrence in our everyday lives so better get used to it… (right?)
The Art Course is a bunch of fun. I’m actually turning up and putting effort into it, too. Without my ex being there sleep has become possible once again. No more shaking, quacking and sweating all over when I walk onto campus. No more planning my every LITERAL move, dreading that “HE” would be around the corner. No more paranoia.
I’m learning to appreciate life for the disgusting piece of work it is. Humanity for the mess it is. The bad aspects of life. Trying to give me something to keep me afloat, even if it’s unhealthy to be thinking like this.
7 comments
Welcome back and glad to hear the art course is good. Finding ‘good friends’ is hard work. People you ‘think’ are true turn out to be not true. Someone should create a friend-test that shows the psychological profile of a person, so we can know what we’re signing up for before we label a person as Friend.
Here’s a website developed by Dr. Jordan Peterson that might be interesting. It’s kind of a personality locator: https://www.understandmyself.com/
If such thing as a friend test existed I’d be forever grateful.
So far most of my friends have forgotten about my existence and never make the effort to reach out to them all the while expecting me to be the one to make that effort first. It’s often one-sided. If I don’t speak, nobody will. Right now I’m learning to appreciate life as a single person and accept it so the reality doesn’t hit as hard. That it won’t emotionally shatter me. Sure it’s unhealthy but blissful ignorance goes a long way…
“never make the effort to reach out to me”.
Stupid typos.
When you signed off I actually made a note of it. Nice to see you here again. It is amazing any of us are still here or ever come back.
It’s surprising anyone would remember me at all. But thank you.
That’s nice. Every moment of my life has been unbearably terrible since I failed to take my life. I was supposed to be dead at 18. And I still know things would be better had I succeeded in taking my life at 18. I’m still trying to figure out the most accessible way to end my life though. That is the one reason I haven’t took it. I’m not like those people who would back out with a gun to their head. I’d pull the trigger instantaneously and be dead forever. I can’t wait until I have a way to kill myself. One thing I won’t do is hang myself.