getting back to the same old path

for a bit, i felt like i was getting different. not exactly better, just different. it felt like i might be able to feel and think rationally again. it was kind of like i might be getting some control, finally.
but now, instead of that, i notice that i am getting more and more into the mess i was in july, august maybe, into the mess i am, i guess.
i’m back into going on this site at two am, unable to sleep because my thoughts feel so heavy (even though the pill i took two hours ago should make me sleep like a baby by now), trying to google something about my local mental health hospital, and desperately wishing some higher power (in which i have never believed) will save me and make me okay and normal again.
and instead of managing the kind of pathetic cutting problem, i feel like it’s growing, taking over me. i started cutting my arm. i can’t wear short anything now. guess that i’ll just burn to hell next summer, if i dont get better. and i tell myself i am staying alive to “not hurt others” and other reasons like that, when the truth is i am just too scared to act on my thoughts.
the other day i had a dream in which i was killed, and it was so smooth, dreamy almost, that I can’t help but wish that is how it would be in real life too.
but i guess for now all i have is dreaming and hoping of something (that i don’t even know what is) and pouring my heart out to the internet. guess that will have to do for now.