I Don’t Want to Exist Anymore

I’m sorry I exist, I apologized to my mother not even an hour ago. Her response was, I wouldn’t go that far. How far Mom? As far as to cease to exist? It would be so much easier, to just cease to exist. Taking a life seems so dramatic, it’s effects long lasting. Ceasing to exist is much more simple, one just doesn’t anymore. No one is hurt, no family, friends, or co-workers. If anything, they’re actually better off; they never actually had to deal with me and my bullshit. I never disappointed them or let them down or hurt them in any way, shape, or form, it never happened, I never happened. I’ve been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for 13 years now, sometimes it’s worse than others. Ever since a few months after graduating college, I’ve been at an all time low. It doesn’t help that any time I try to talk to my mom about it, she makes it about herself and ultimatums me with moving out. Which I want to do but, how am I going to survive, coming home to no one? No one to inadvertently dissuade me from killing myself today. I try to make myself happier to no avail. I can’t find a job because either I am too qualified or not qualified enough. Mom dissuades me every time I get excited about a job but refuses to admit she limited my college major options by belittling, demeaning, and dissuading me from my true passions. I try to talk to friends at work, since those are really the only people I talk to, but they don’t understand. All they see is my false confidence and bravado and can’t understand my depression and anxiety. I just want to be happy. But all I ever feel is done. Ceasing to exist would benefit so many people. If only.