I mean all life is, objectively speaking. ‘Meaning’ being largely subjective. But I think I’ve irreversibly cut myself off from most of the things that I find subjectively meaningful – love, romance, friendship, etc.
It feels like I should probably end it. But letting go is hard. These irrational parts of my mind keep demanding that I find some way to make the impossible into reality.
Maybe I should force the issue, force myself to end it. Or perhaps I should try to find some way to let go of all those things that I’ve cut myself off from, and instead appreciate the few things that are still left to me. Or maybe I should keep trying to force myself to make what seems impossible a reality.
It’s hard to know. There’s no way to really step outside of your life, to objectively judge it. To know when it’s time to give up the ghost, or how to go about doing that. The stories we tell as a society are all about absolute winners, or irredeemable losers. There’s no guidance on how to keep living when you can’t win, or if that’s even worth doing. We’re told to always follow our dreams, rather than how to let go of those that are causing us pain. Suicide can only ever be an act of desperation, rather than the wisest course of action. Losers can never be making the best choice when they put an end to things.
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I don’t see suicide as an act of desperation.. You could make it more dramatic sounding describing it that way.. I just see it as a way to cease living when you don’t want to be alive. It’s really a personal choice I.e. To each his own
Hi Husk, last time we spoke (June, I think) you were going to try to work some things out. You sound kinda stuck in on the not-so-merry-go-round. Sorry to hear that. For what impossibility are you reaching?
The impossibility would be some kind of genuine connection with another person. I just don’t think I’m capable of it anymore (if I ever was to begin with). I’ve fucked my mind and my life up to such an extent that I can’t see a way back. I can’t see any way to change that. The best I could do from this point forward would be damage containment. But I just don’t have it in me, to push myself through that without some sense of meaning in my life.
It’s becoming clearer to me, at least, that wisdom can take many forms, and it shouldnt be defined solely by the optimistic gung-ho expectations of a majority segment of a sick society that wishes to brand the desperate as “losers.” Wisdom doesn’t have to be limited to a bullshit standard that is unattainable by everyone. Wisdom is wisdom, regardless of the situation. Wisdom is the result of a long, arduous process of elimination and much introspection. Wisdom is the end result of many shed tears and sleepless night’s and unanswered questions. Wisdom comes when you least expect it, and it speaks with the same voice, until it is heard and received. What is wisdom to me is horror to another, and folly to another, but then the hell with them, they’re not walking my path.
Thank you, that’s a really insightful comment.