Suffocating is how it feels. I am drowning in every breathe I take. It’s not getting better, maybe for some of us this is the best it gets. I am not a genuine person, I lie so people don’t see me. I lie so people like me. I lie so people don’t see what a colossal fuck up I am. To the people I am myself to, I feel like a burden. Like they’re only my friends out of pity. I am pitiful. This anxiety makes me weak and it steers me into making bad decisions. I don’t blame anyone or anything because I know that everything is my fault. I have been fighting myself for years, I think I’m just ready to throw in the towel. Some people will cry, but life goes on. People move on. Selfish or not, I need to be euthanized from this mental disease that only makes me sicker by the day. If mental illness can be terminal then I am stage 4. I am weak, and I am my depression that I am consumed with. I thank God for everyday he’s given me, but I think this is the end of the road for me. Happiness isn’t meant for people like me, I’m just here to bring happiness to others. Pretending I’m okay is exhausting, waking up everyday is a challenge. I just need to go to sleep now, and hope god has mercy on me and takes me in his arms while I dream restlessly in the night.
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2 comments
You ever consider cutting out the lies? Makes things a bit easier when you don’t have to pretend all the time.
I’m not suggesting putting everything on the people you talk with. But for things like the how are you question, I answer stuff like tired or worn out, which is true, but doesn’t go into hey I’m dealing with all this crap. People understand tired. They know what it’s like. They get worn out too, maybe not the depression type but yeah. It’s a lot less tiresome than putting on a complete front.
Eh, long term I don’t see people maintaining friendships out of pity. Also, it’s impossible for everything to be your fault. You don’t control everything, so it can’t be.
I agree with freeroma. I understand the lies ..but i also know thats what makes life so hard, isolating and painful. Its like drinking 5 beers a day with hard liquor… it’s a bandaid that slowly kills your liver from the inside out. Im tired and worn out too.