I want to get my day started, but I can’t walk out of my room until my cousin and her baby leave. I feel like crap and now I’m stuck in here hearing my grandmother and mother fawning all over her baby. My cousin represents everything I am not: successful, married, has a daughter. I don’t want children, but people treat those with children extra special. Oh great, just heard someone tell my cousin she has gotten “prettier”. Meanwhile, constant stress and depression has sucked the life out of me. She doesn’t have mental issues like I do. No one in my family has it this bad. Hearing them out there only makes me feel worst and I’m ready to be done with this hell I’m in. I lost at life. I failed. I get it.
Seeing the psychiatrist didn’t help. I told her how hard it is to leave the house because I’m terrified. She acts like I just can. Sometimes I literally CAN’T out of fear. As far as bad feelings and depression, she acted like I could talk myself out of it. “If you have bad feelings about people, then you’ll treat them badly. Right? What kind of things are you telling yourself?” If I could just will myself out of self-hatred, depression and anxiety, I wouldn’t be in this position. She prescribed medicine that she thought would help motivate me in the morning. The pharmacy told me it was over $500! It would’ve been $1,000 if insurance didn’t cover half of it. So no way I was able to get it. Back to square one.
Holidays are coming up and I don’t even want to think about it. It’s always forced because I don’t want to exist anyway. Just make it over!