The question is, can I live without that dream? Can I stay the solitary being that I am now, for as long as my life will last? Can I accept myself as the person I would then be?
I would have to lie to myself, and tell myself everytime I see a happy family that I never wanted that anyway, that what I have is better and that my decision to give up on it was reasonable. That, or I distance myself from other people so much that I never get to witness them like that, although I doubt I could even manage to do that.
Is there even a tenable alternative? A life void of any meaning or thread that I follow and hold on to would likely drive me towards insanity. I need a goal that I really desire to achieve. No career, no amount of money would do it, because that’s always been no more than a tool for me to find happiness elsewhere. None of my hobbies seem sufficient either, at least on their own.
There’s also somewhat unrealistic far-fetched goals. Humanity unlocking the secret to what consciousness and subjective awareness is. The other would be a strong artificial intelligence, which is kind of linked to the first. At least those are the things that I always hoped would be done in my lifetime, and if I get to witness them with my own eyes, that might give me enough motivation to keep going, because unlike a Mars landing or a cure for cancer they have very specific meaningful consequences for me. (Watch the latest Blade Runner to understand)
In the end I don’t even have another option other than to just continuing down the path and keep going forward. What I could possibly do is change my expectations to make it easier for me, but then again, I don’t even know if I am ready to give up that dream. Ironically, that might even be a requirement for attaining it, which would then make any decision I take on it kind of arbitrary though. I literally can’t give up a dream with the intention of achieving it.
Sorry for the rambling, I don’t even know what the hell I am writing here anyway.
2 comments
If having a family is a dream / goal that you feel worthy of pursuit, they you should probably pursue it.
But i think that, in general, fulfillment is a pipe dream. That carrot that we keep pursuing without ever attaining it.
Very interesting that you see that giving up your dream might be a requirement for attaining it.
That’s how it has worked in the past in my life.
When the desire to obtain something, truly and genuinely dies in me, it falls into my lap. And as soon as I get it, I don’t want it anymore.
Also, the great majority of the so called “happy families” aren’t that happy. From the outside, it might seem so but It is part of the illusion; in the same way that money can improve you quality of life but doesn’t always do so, and never brings fulfillment.
Denial doesn’t seem like a realistic alternative for you given your level of awareness.