When will the pain go away??

Well, here I am again, in this self proclaimed helpless situation. At some point and that point came a long time ago, you need to turn the attention and the blame to only 1 person. That person is me or yourself. I am the person that allows myself to get like this. I have battled depression since i was a teenager and now i am amazingly 40 years old. I constantly said, i wouldnt make it to 20….25… 30….. 35…… fuck. now i am at 40. The story line is the same. I am disappointing the same people i did when i was younger. Disappointing my family, my friends and anyone i meet along the way that i make an impact on. Through the years I have brought this negativity from relationship to relationship and always put the blame on the other person. Sure were those relationships not the right one. Yes. Were they dirty whores that i attracted yes. but could they have worked if it was me in a different body or a different soul, yes. At this point in my life. I have everything going good for me except one thing. Happiness. With having everything in my life right now, and the happiness not there, there is only 1 conclusion, i cant be happy and i have been told them by every girl i ever dated. Its sad to know the negative effect i had on the woman of my past and all along they were the **** rag bitches as my name suggests. Maybe i am the **** rag ***** that will not end my life. People say you hurt people that love you when you kill yourself in my case, i strongly believe I am hurting them more by being a life. being successful and STILL not being happy. I am applying for a gun but i am afraid of lying on the app and getting caught, well i think its bullshit that i have to lie about ever being at a mental doctor or being on meds. I dont want to kill anyone else, i just want ot kill myself, i want to buy the gun the right way and do it without linking anyone else with a stolen gun or getting anyone invovled in some blame game. I have been to drs numerous time and medication numerous times but these dr are all worthless. if you answer NO to this question. drs are clueless ( were you molested?) My issues dont come from bad family life or a bad child hood. And with that being the case, the problem is never identified or remotely on the road to recovery. i dont even know what i am typing right now accept i am lost. lost hoping i run into some crazy lunitic, one of these crazy situations in the world where casulaties happen, i just want to be the casulaty because ulimately i guess i am justa ***** that wont pull the trigger. I hold out hope but the hope doesnt get answered.