A seed I’ve planted has grown…

Is today a good day to die? Everyone will be just fine…as if nothing happened…I don’t have much impact on anyone and the world will be juts the same…I think I’ve lived long enough…23-years is long enough already, I guess. Waking up has already been hard…falling asleep, harder…Days are already dragging…and time seems too slow…I can’t wait for that day…to finally end it…one less soul won’t make a difference…everything will stay the same…I know…I’m certain…

I want to be selfish…for one last time…just like what I’ve always been.

I want to be carefree and succumb to this frivolity…and succumb to another stupid decision…just like what I’ve always done.

I want to be special and brave…and different…and do unique things that no ordinary soul could…just like what I’ve always dreamed of doing.

…Just the thought of it is liberating already…to cheat life and to escape the maze and to finally find my way out–an easier path.

The thought is like poison…spreading like wild fire…infecting every bend…every turn…up to the very core of my brain. I can’t seem to shake the thought off…It’s been a part of me…the dark side…the concealed part…

Even on good days, the thought lingers…it lurks nearby. I couldn’t even think of a credible reason why I will do this…Does that make me insane? Well maybe I am. I no longer know the reason, all I know is that there had been reasons…it piled up one after the other…until I can no longer grasp the rationality of this thought…until I can no longer recall why I had to imbue this idea on my mind…I can no longer remember what pained me so much…what scarred me too deep…what made me irreparable…\

Now I had to tick off one last item on my bucketlist…

The grandest one so far…

The end is near…