For me without a doubt I definitely definitely plan to end it soon could be a week could be tomorrow morning but definitely latest by the end of December I do not see 2018 or 19 or whatever what about you guys? when do you think will be the time when you guys do your next attempt in hopes of leaving?
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I’ve been saying for well over half my life now that I won’t live to see the ‘next’ year… Yet here I am.
I always seem to find some reason to keep chugging along, only to inevitably fall back into that suicidal default setting.
It seems I’m unable to overcome my brains baser survival instincts.
Current plan is October of 2018, unless I have a major meltdown before then. I want one more good summer. After that… I hope I’ll be ready to let go.
Wanted to add..
I am currently focused on getting all my affairs in order.
For whatever reason I need to know that everything will be taken care of when I go, and that I can exit as cleanly, painlessly, and quietly as possible.
I know it will be difficult for the few people I have in my life, and I want to make this as easy on them as possible.
“Suicidal default setting”. That is a really good way of putting it. I feel like that too. I have a counsellor who said I should just take Suicide off the table for a few months. I suppose it makes sense: as long as it is on the table, it is easy to go to. Take it off the table and you have to find other solutions. But the problem is that it just comes back even if I try to take it off the table. I can say to myself “alright for the next month no matter what I’m not letting death be an option”. And for a few weeks I am goal oriented and I lose weight and do paperwork and clean the house….and then….somehow it just creeps back in. This thought that I just have to die. It’s almost like a compulsion. Like an alcoholic who just has to go back to the bottle, or an addict to the needle….it’s more than just an “idea”…
I have as well been saying it half my life, funny how that works. Usually you are forbidden and have no control over it. But you have to keep trying.
I’m thinking by the end of November, if not by the end of the week. I had a really nice Christmas last year. Spent a ton of money on Christmas presents for everyone…really enjoyed the company of my family. At the time I really felt like it would be my last Christmas and that is why I spent so much money to try to make it good for everyone. (I’m not saying you need to spend a lot of money to let people know you care, but in my case that is how I chose to show it. After struggling financially so much in my life, it really meant something to me to be able to spend a lot of money on gifts. I know it is superficial and materialistic but, well, it meant something to me.
I want my family, especially my niece, to remember me in this way: hopeful, joyful, and generous. I don’t want them to see me like this before I go. I just want last Christmas to be their Christmas memory of me. I don’t want them to know how I ruined my career, and what a failure I really am. The way I was last Christmas was a total facade. The foundation was crumbling and I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it together without having another breakdown. (About seven months, as it turned out.). But my family didn’t know it at the time. They saw me as I wanted them to: FINALLY an adult with a real career and some semblance of financial means.
It was indeed a facade, but I want them to have the facade. I want them to mourn the facade. Is that weird? Probably.
I definitely don’t want to do this in December (too close to Christmas), so….yeah, I have a few weeks left in this window and I better get cracking.
This is something that I kinda already done thinking that I was for sure gonna end it which I did not. Still doing so made me stronger I don’t regret the presents there positive all together
An observation: those who plan a date never go through with it. Myself included. So I’ll see all of you next year, and the year after, and the year after. It never ends. If you’re going to do it, just do it right away because planners always find excuses.
Yeah that’s true it all has to be within the moment whenever I had those moments out of nowhere I just acted on that and you know went through with it till towards their very very end I would jump off out of the method that I had and go back and wait for another day which I feel is cowardly but at the same time that day can happen when you can slip and it’s done
Probably whenever I get uncomfortable enough to go through with it. With I am probably over the edge already
Yeah same here I’ve been thinking I don’t even know if I’ll make it till Thanksgiving
I dont see myself living through 2018
Living till 2018? That’s pure torture definitely feel you on that
Painless pills I’ve heard of those and I think I have an idea where you are getting them from that doesn’t seem like a bad way to go given how silent it is definitely have heard of it if we have read about it and stories
Planning to end it next week, I just need to sort some things out and I’m set to go