hypocrite

i am a hypocrite.

i hate speaking, i hate talking, i hate the fact that i’ve ever said a single word. yet i can’t bear to keep my mouth shut. i demand attention, i need the validation of everyone’s eyes, i feel like i can’t survive if i’m not acting out.

i’m performative—i beg for attention but hate when it’s on me, i just need to know that i’m heard. it hurts to think that i exist in peoples’ minds—if i could just be quiet maybe i’d finally get my wish of fading into oblivion, of being a “who?” and out of focus, rather than an “oh,” and my name being bitter.

i am a paradox in every way possible. i can’t control myself, i never have and i never will, and it’s what scares me the most—my biggest fear is myself.