If I try to put how im feeling into words its almost imposible to do, I want to live but at the same time I don’t, I don’t see the point, but I’m not selfish at all. I want the people around me to be happy, and I told myself I’d end it all when my friend found his happiness, He’s finding it and I won’t be needed for much longer, I know my death would have a little impact on others, theyd be sad for some days if anything, then they would live as if I had never been alive.
I don’t think I really matter in this world, my presence might make a difference but all I see is negativity.
I’ve chosen a date but it may be soon or it may never come at all.
Life is a strange rollercoaster afterall.
3 comments
I get what you mean about the impossibility of putting your feelings into words. Because it’s not just one thing right? It’s a bunch of things that are conflicting and contradictory….
I also feel like there is no point…we’re all going to die right, just a matter of time… so if I’m unhappy being here, why shouldn’t it be my right to leave? 🙁
I keep setting days, I keep thinking about how to do it, but I always chicken out. I kind of hate myself for not doing it. I think the thing that scares me the most is it failing and I’m caught and I would have to explain why I did what I did and having people know that I’m this weird depressed person when they think that I’m super happy and bubbly…
Sometimes I feel okay and I think, hey, maybe I can make it…but then I crash and it’s as if I’ve never felt happy before. And people always say this will pass and I GET it, I know I won’t feel bad for forever but I also know that life and being okay is going to be a struggle for me. I can’t keep being in this cycle…”roller-coaster” as you put it…
What about you…what scares you about it?
Setting up a date almost never works, I keep postponing mine.
Now the thing is, everything you said is mostly true, and @Beeeeee the only reason why I’m not doing it yet is because I have 3 younger siblings, and I wouldn’t want to affect them and how their grow, especially my youngest sibling.
Other than that I also have my parents who’d be affected by this, yes people do forget and move on but “what if” they don’t? I’m not doing this to destroy someone else I’m doing this to escape this fucked up world, I just hate myself a lot to be able to cope with life (As I allegedly see myself everyday imo)
Whenever I’m happy and I end like:”Wait, why do I want to kill myself.” Then the reasons just flow their way in.
@Fuckedupworld…yeah, I have a sister too and to be honest she’s the reason I would feel the worst about doing this (other than if I get caught and have to explain….THAT would be the worst). She would blame herself…she would wonder why I didn’t tell her. She’s older than me and she tried to kill herself once. We never spoke of it..but if I do I think she may blame herself. But some days, I feel like I don’t care who I hurt if I off myself. I just tell myself so what, I won’t be here, I won’t be conscious of anything that happens after I leave so why is it my problem. Everyday that passes and I don’t do it I feel like I’m losing respect for myself. I’m not even brave enough to do this….
Nyways, thanks for your reply…