No passion, no pleasure, no nothing

After graduating high school, I became a hermit for four years. During that period of isolation, I grew depressed and developed an intense fear of being seen by other people. The thought of killing myself came up frequently, but I was more comfortable in those days than any other time of my adult life. Now I have a job for the first time and live in a better house with my brother, but I still don’t feel much better. How people are able to connect with each other has always puzzled me. What is the point of living if you don’t even have people who value you? No one wants me. My family is used to me, but do they want me? I’m always second to someone. The minute I decide to put myself out there, suddenly the other person draws back and ignores me. This really isn’t coming out right, but all I want now is something to make me feel better. I’ve been wasting my money on things with the intention of gaining some relief. Alcohol did nothing but make me dizzy and I’m too ugly to drown my feelings in sex(I’m a woman by the way). I swear to god all I think about these days is getting fucked. I’m 22 years old yet I look like a sad, chubby, gender-less child. I hate myself. There was a time when I literally was afraid to look at myself in a mirror. A guy at work who I see everyday didn’t bother to learn my name until some other girl told him over the phone ( we wear name tags). I don’t have any ambition so it’s not like I can ignore the superficial in favor of pursuing some fucking goal. So I just eat. That’s all that makes me feel better these days. Fuck it. If I ever lose my virginity, it will probably be a brutal rape like that girl in the movie Ma Soeur. That’s all I’m worth…