Firstly this is not about suicide attempts. I’ve never tried. Suicide is the only thing I feel I would succeed in. But in life, I fail.
I try everyday to live. To live life like the rest of them. Instead I fail. I badly want to live life without feeling suicidal everyday.
I have made peace with these feelings. Yet, I can’t help trying to live normally everyday. I instinctively try conform with the “normies”. It’s like how the body goes in to survival mode when you try to kill yourself. The body does everything possible to stay alive. My understanding of this is from reading posts of other SP members attempts at suicide and how they describe the body fights back to stay alive. Instead of it being my body, it’s my mind that tries to fit in and try to live like the “normies”
Love to you all SP members. Because of you, I’ve not yet lost my sanity. Failing everyday is demoralising and psychologically damaging. Possibly permanent damage.
I’m broken, but I don’t feel alone in that because I know the broken peices of me lay amongst the broken peices of you. My soul feels peace knowing my broken pieces are amongst other broken peices. Broken people like me.
14 comments
In what ways do you feel you fail? Not to pry, but to get a better understanding.
As for “normies”, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to marginalize who you are. We all have struggles. What separates “us” (abby normals) from “them” (“normies”) is the way we interpret and express our experience. There is a lot of “normal” behavior which I find to be quite “abnormal”. But then again, the, a stronger average person seems to have better survival instincts born of a stronger sense of personal rights, like the “I” and its desires have a logic and imperative that precludes others.
Excellent description of abby normals and normies.
It feels like everything.
The way I react to things I. E. Recent birthday,… I got anxiety, nervousness and started sweating profusely when colleagues surprised me with birthday card and cakes. Aren’t birthday experiences supposed to result in positive emotions?
Another example – me flirting with women ends in an argument with them. I’m told I have no game.
Work, friends, family experiences usually ends with me failing them. They’re right. My unusual ways stop me from succeeding. (please don’t define success in any other way than what society accepts, I find it patronising)
Being the center of attention, especially unexpectedly, is decidedly uncomfortable. You’re not alone in this, but having a sense of humor, a sharp tongue, and a long, cool poker stare can give you an edge that throws others off their axis long enough for you to formulate a survival strategy.
Women? Oy vey, if you’re taking advice from guys who tell you you don’t got game, you’re not even on the right field. No games. It’s not a game. Just be sincere and focus on the other person rather than your personal sense of failure. That will get you further than having “the right moves” or “game”.
And it’s not patronizing to define success in a singularly personal way. I don’t know you, but it just sounds like you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. Your unusual ways? Someone may find them amusing enough to make them wonder about what makes you different. People’s “ism’s” are the most fascinating thing about them. I can’t be the only one that thinks this way.
If you can accept yourself as yourself, you can laugh off or with others, feel confident enough to be rebuffed and rid yourself of that sense of shame. Or not. But I appreciate your opening up. That takes guts.
Indeed LordsWrath, we ‘cides bodies and minds fight us at every turn when we try to die. I know a woman who was tortured WW2 style (trying not to name any certain country) when she was a child. I have told myself if I where her I would have been gone long ago. Yet she is still among us, I met with her not ago and here life energy is very high. She has often wanted to die but she is still with us. I do not comprehend her ability or her willingness to live. I am baffled by by this. Damned if I know why I am still here either, but here I am breathing and typing.
I too cannot comprehend the willingness to live in others. It’s completely alien to me. Yet, I’m attracted to women who have this desire to live and live life to the full. Women who wake up every morning with a smile on their face and can’t wait to live the day. Women who love life more than anything else world. They speak of how they appreciate life and how they can do things that makes them happy in life. Their worst fear is being buried dead six feet under.
Some women I have dated or had a professional relationship with had a love of life that seemed unreal and they actually made it work, for the most part. It is hard for me to fathom, but to see them go at life is a thing of beauty, even when we here know full well what a life sentence life can be.
It’s refreshing when it’s genuine. It always brightens my mood. It’s not always easy to tell that apart from wolf in sheep’s clothing types though.
Not wanting to be a normie or fit in with normies always made me feel even more isolated. A better looking, more capable version of myself would still be an outcast. I’d just be able to pursue my own interests and blend in when I had to go out in public.
When I was getting my undergrad degree, we’d hang out with some of the grad students in the psychology program. They were taught that the ultimate goal was to get the client to fit in with society as that was considered the key to happiness. How can ignoring who you are on a fundamental level lead to fulfillment? What about the artists and philosophers and scientists of the world? The visionaries and innovators? Where would we be if everyone just fit in. What a dull and antiseptic world.
“When I was getting my undergrad degree, we’d hang out with some of the grad students in the psychology program. They were taught that the ultimate goal was to get the client to fit in with society as that was considered the key to happiness.”
Doesn’t surprise me. It explains why a couple of my therapists were more focused on the getting a job part instead of trying to work on the underlying issues. Maybe they thought if I found a job I could handle, I’d make friends with co-workers and feel happy or something.
“What about the artists and philosophers and scientists of the world? The visionaries and innovators? Where would we be if everyone just fit in. What a dull and antiseptic world.”
Couldn’t agree more. People like going to their 9 to 5 jobs, voting the same corrupt politicians into office and then complaining about the system that they perpetuate.
Shine on, you crazy diamond!
I’m not being fair though. I’m looking at it from the perspective of myself or some of the people on here. Someone without these issues might not find a regular life as tedious.
I don’t want to be normie. I’m actually glad I want to kill myself. Me living like a robot, I realize I can never do that