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It’s 5 am again
Why does it always have to be 5 am
why can’t I just feel normal
Why do I have to die
Why can’t I just find whatever the fuck I’m looking for
I feel absolutely nothing
Im not sad
I’m not anxious
I’m not sleepy
I’m not awake
Just fucking nothing
It’s just swirling
Constantly turning inside and out
Emptiness
Anhedonia is all I remember at this point
No satisfaction
Only apathetic disappoinment
I’m so tired
I just want the world to stop looking at me
I want it to stop trying to persuade me to giving in
I want to be able to know what it feels like to look forward to something
I want to stop falling in love with my own death
It actually feels like suicide is a logical decision even though I know it’s neither logical or illogical
Nothing feels right, I feel like everything isn’t real
Even though my perception of reality isn’t blurred
I don’t understand
But I do at the same time
As if I have the answers to all my questions but I refuse to say them.
I don’t care if I’m sad,happy,angry, anything
Just make it stop, I want to feel like I exist
But it’s almost as if the world only wants me to be my own observer, until I finally say goodbye
Going to work, going to school, trying to move forward- even though they’re my actions I feel as if I’m not part of them
I don’t want to be a ghost anymore
Hiding in a body of lies
I just want to be me
Like those people who smile with truth
But I know I can’t, unless I believe the lies I tell my self.
But I don’t even know which “self” I am
But in the end all these words could be said with one sentence, a single phrase which makes all I feel irrelevant, something that shows the world and it’s smiles that I’m a failure as a human.
I want to die.