I did this outpatient partial hospitalization program because I want(ed) to kill myself. It’s suppose to be a minimum of 3 weeks (15 days), but I only got to do 8 days because I went home for the holidays (I live five hours away). I really can see the benefits of staying the whole time, as I am still very unstable. I feel like the program was almost like a break from reality while re-learning to socialize with other people who also want to die, because we all had to get referrals some way or another. I’ve become very isolated as of lately, and it was nice I was starting to slowly warm up and connect to these people. And some much needed medication management, although I was not at the program long enough to really get stabilized.
I’m not really sure what’s been with my avoidant tendencies lately. I mean, I’m not surprised by it, but it’s hard to understand myself let alone explain to other people. I don’t feel I was ready to be “released” from the program. No one in my life was really aware I was doing this program, especially my friends. I just don’t really want to interact with people, I guess, unless I’m really comfortable with them. But it’s weird because even my best friend of 15ish years, well I’m also close with her family, but I just didn’t feel comfortable being around them for no reason. I felt like a stranger, not wanting to be around them unless my friend was there. Maybe it’s because I can only take people in ones or twos kinda thing? It just sucks because not many people understand. It’s almost like going out and doing things or socializing are too much to handle. I don’t necessarily have control over these situations either. Like my friend brought me to her job cause we were getting food there and she’s trying to introduce me to her coworkers and I just kinda shy away because yeah, and she’s like “it’s okay she’s just being awkward” or something along those lines. And what’s even worse is when people I met or last saw them when I was in some sort of hypomania think I’m acting weird or are taken aback by my silence. It’s not like I’m mute, I just would rather keep to myself then engage in conversations. I mean I’m responsive and everything, it’s just small talk at best. Even if I did want to explain all this to my friends, they honestly don’t have a grip on understanding mental illness.
2 comments
My therapist asked if she thinks I should be hospitalized but I said no due to holidays. I’m really thinking about going because of my inability to think of anything other than ending it. Do most hospitals have this?
yes, i didn’t actually attempt suicide I just couldn’t stop thinking of jumping off the parking garage and SPLAT. I would pick fights with my only friend (ex-boyfriend as well) and get wildly upset when even he couldn’t deal with me anymore. At first it felt stupid, you’re just doing activities all day, music therapy, nurse’s education hour, recreational therapy but then you start connecting with others, people of ALL ages, and hear their stories and just learn coping mechanisms and support from one another.