My grandpa died earlier today, 10/9/17, and I feel like another giant chunk has been bitten out of my soul. Less than two months ago a friend of mine killed himself. I don’t even know why my body continues to breathe and eat, I don’t even want to, I only continue so as to not suffer more than I already am. I just want everything to be over, I barely even care how at this point, the pain is never ending and life refuses to let me ever be happy. I try. I try and I try and I try but I can’t maintain happiness. Today was the first day I had gone the entire day without a suicidal thought in many months, I spent most of it at a friends house and I felt at ease, until I got home and was promptly informed of the death of my grandfather. Words can’t even describe how close he was to us and how much he meant to me. And now he’s gone. Less than two months after I lost my friend. I can’t take this much longer, I just want to die so much, I’ve gotten so much worse over the last year and a half, I’ve deceloped insomnia and chronic nightmares, and I have a lot of anxiety/panic attacks. I know I’m weak, a lot of people have tougher lives and struggles, but I can’t do it. I should’ve died in child birth or something, I can’t take being alive, it’s too much for me, I know I’m a coward but I want something to kill me. I need the pain to end. I want to die in my sleep tonight, but I know I won’t, and the pain only ever get worse. I feel so drained and empty. I wish I could kill myself, but I can’t do that to my parents, so I’m stuck losing my mind and begging for death until something finally stops my suffering.
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I feel that too, being stuck. Two of my grandparents died in two months two years ago. Before that I lost my father as a small kid , a friend and a very good teacher of mine. And then ask myself why is it I don’t die. I m an underachiever, a loser, a whiner, a parasite all those things, really. Maybe I’m alive because of this stupid ” the best people always go first” bullshit theory”. I have constant anxiety, guiltiness and self hatred it is an almost silent pain but it is vicious, after a while it drives me litteraly crazy so I have to get drunk, self harm… to release it. And I have been like this for four years now. I love my family so much so I don’t think I ll die right now or in a couple of months but I know I won’t last long. My point is I understand you, you kind of express how I feel and thank you for that. I don’t now how one is suppose to deal with it, I don’t deal with it very well. I often give my self dates until when I can’t kill myself for ex: ” I can’t kill myself before Christmas because it will be a terrible thing if I don’t get to see my parents again and celebrate” or ” my sister is only 10 she would be as broken as me if I kill myself right now so I have to wait until she grows herself a personality and will be less affected” ” I have a student group project the others are counting on me if I die I would be a total *****”it is a very painful way to stay alive but it works.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this, it feels like I’m constantly wanting to scream but have no way to. I try venting to my friends, but it doesn’t seem to help as much as it once did and I’m having to do it so often now that most of them are tired of me only ever talking about how shitty I feel and don’t want to speak to or deal with me anymore. I feel the same way, my body is physically resilient (6’3 and somewhat in shape with a strong immune system, I could probably be an athlete if I wasn’t depressed and unmotivated) so I won’t be dying any time soon, but my mind isn’t strong, I already know I won’t make it to 30 years old, my depression has been slowly but steadily increasing over the years, I don’t know when exactly, but I know I’m going to break sooner or later and then the guilt of what it will do to others won’t be enough to stop myself. I’m the same way, I’m an underachiever too, I used to be told about how smart I was when I was young, one of my teachers insisted I had a natural talent for science, but it all went to waste, my energy and drive was slowly sucked away by depression and other unfortunate events, by the end of high school I was barely as smart as the people I once looked down on (in middle school so I was an arrogant little shit), and I just failed out of my first semester at college. I want to be happy, but even if I asked about antidepressants or something, it’s not guranteed to help me, and they’re expensive, which isn’t something I can really ask for when I’m already a financial burden on my parents with failing college.
I am sad to know that your Grandfather is gone. I hope you have a lifetime of happy memories of him to sustain you in your grief.
I have a lot of memories of him, and my family made sure he always knew how much we cared about him. In a way, he wasn’t truly family, he wasn’t my real grandfather, but the real one died when my mom was in college, he was a man whose wife died a long time ago too and he lived with my grandmother as a housemate, but he was the closest thing to a true grandfather I ever had, my grandparents on my dads side are cold and distant, I don’t even really feel any connection with them, but he was family in every sense, but blood, even after my grandma died (a few years ago) we made sure to be there for him and take care of him and visit him even though he wasn’t our blood. He was true family in our eyes, and now he’s gone, and now the memories are all sad, because even if it was a happy memory, it’s tainted by the fact that I’ll never see him again. His smile and laugh? Gone. Giving him a big hug goodbye and telling him we can’t wait to see him again? I can’t do that anymore. I know I should be comforted by the memories, but for me they only bring more pain.
10/9/12? did he die 5 years ago, or do you mean Dec 10, 2017 ?
(12/10/17 in US) or
(10/12/17 in Europe/Asia)?
That was a typo and thank you for pointing it out to me, fixed it now