So the boy I was falling in love with died less than three months ago and I’m okay sometimes and other times it’s worse than when I got assaulted years ago and thought I was dying.
Memories of him always pop up, always freeze me up, make me break down and hide away and I’m fairly used to it, but I’m the past few days I’ve been having memories of him that never happened nor could ever happen, because, well, he’s dead now.
I see him and I playing in the snow together. I see him surprising me with cute things. Celebrating the holidays. I feel myself wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his chest. I see us ice skating again and holding hands. I see a mixture of our old flirting habits and how we used to lock eyes and he would make me go bright red and then new coupley-things we never got to do together because we didn’t have enough time before his seizure.
They’re so vivid and it’s killing me. I’ve always had a very lucid memory, and even have flashback dreams, but this is during broad daylight when I’m in the middle of doing things trying to be a human again and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I believe in supernatural things or past lives or future lives or jack shit, but these fake memories are so real it’s making me confused.
2 comments
Have you ever seen a councilor after your loss?
i understand how you feel i recently lost 3 loved ones this past year. mourning is super hard and i get where you’re coming from, i have a lot of lucid dreams myself or sleep paralysis. my family also i think is spiritually aware of things so they get a lot of “signs” that that person is still around. i’m sorry it’s been difficult to cope with the loss of him. but i’m sure he is still around in some way, especially if he meant lots to you.