For me, feeling suicidal tends to manifest in different ways. Sometimes it is a frantic, urgent, anxiety-induced need to escape. Other times it is a sad sense of resignation infused with hopelessness.
And sometimes, it is a pragmatic solution divorced from any emotion whatsoever. Just one of those things that needs to be done. Like taking out the garbage or paying the electrical bill.
I’ve been going back and forth between planning my death and planning my life. Sometimes I am convinced, with every fibre of my being, that death is the answer. Sometimes it even feels like it is a compulsion, coming from outside of me—not a voice that I’m hearing or anything like that, but just this overwhelming sense that it is what I am meant to do.
And other times I convince myself that maybe I can turn things around. Maybe I could build a life worth living and stick around for at least a few more years. I turn from strategizing with death in mind to strategizing with life in mind.
Today I was in the “strategizing for life” mode, and discussing various options to address my situation with a friend of mine. I thought I had found a solution and I was even feeling mildly hopeful. And then…I realized that that there was a problem with the solution that I had found.
No matter how hard I try, I just can’t envision a path that works out. None of the options seem viable given the damage that has already been done.
I’m neither sad about this nor happy about it. I’m not even craving an escape. I just know this is the most logical move at this point.
I’m going to wait awhile—until after my mother has visited. We’ve made hotel reservations and dinner reservations, after all. (Yes, that was some dark humour.)
I’ve already re-homed my dog. I only have a few other loose ends to tie up and then I can just go.
7 comments
You totally nailed it. What’s really weird is that your user name is similar in meaning to my old user name (changed to protect the innocent). But really, this is well-stated, especially the first two paragraphs.
Thanks! (Or rather, “grazie”, since you understood my user name). I’m so glad that someone can relate. I imagine I’m not the only one who posts on here to simply feel less alone in these thoughts.
Most certainly. Where else can we talk about these things? I don’t have the words anymore to describe my thoughts. And in these last week, even sympathetic friends have fallen away, which is completely understandable. (I was “SQ”, previously if you remember, taken from Hamlet’s “To Be, or Not to Be” Soliloquy . . . “when he, himself, might his quietus make with a bare bodkin.”
How old are you? I don’t remember.
you still know how to reach me email…im there….
Iceberg: I do remember you. I am 34. Turning 35 this year.
As a mom who lost her son to suicide (age 21) I would say it’s not what anyone is “meant to do.” My heart is in pain every second of every day. Are you planning to tell your mother what you shared here? Can you imagine going to the other side and suddenly being given the full capacity for empathy. Then you experience all the pain felt by your mom and others who loved you or had their lives changed as part of the ripple effects of your suicide. Isn’t that hell? I’d say it’s a lot more logical to stay here and love, care, listen, give, share, pray, understand and follow God’s path instead of your own.
Hi Drewmom. I’m sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to try to understand what you are going through. I do understand that my death would greatly affect my mother and that is a large part of what has kept me here for so long…but at the end of the day she can’t live my life for me…and the despair that I’m feeling often takes over to the point that I just can’t access any other feelings or thoughts about anyone or anything else. I’m just so…lost. You reference “God’s path”…well…I’m a bit equivocal on the whole issue God issue…but if He (or She) is up there and wants to point to a path that leads me out of the shipwreck I’ve created out of my life, I’m all ears…but frankly I just don’t see or feel any indication of God’s presence in my life…I really wish I did. I honestly do. I have been to church before but I just…don’t feel it. I envy those who do.