So I wrote before about how, as a child I had never had a Prince Charming fantasy —I had always dreamed of having a female best friend. (Totally platonic—no closet lesbianism). I would watch Beaches and dream of a Barbra Hershey to my Bette Midler. I would watch Muriel’s Wedding and dream of a Rachel Griffiths to my Toni Collette. (I love that line when Toni Collette says to Rachel Griffiths “before I met you I used to sit in my room and listen to ABBA songs, and now, my life is better than an ABBA song”)
And I was so grateful because I thought I had found my Barbra Hershey/Rachel Griffiths. And that friendship got me through a lot of dark times—I kept thinking, hey, this one childhood dream came true and I found something amazing so maybe I can hang on a little longer and try to find a bit more hope for the future.
Well…it turns out I was wrong. I had not found a Barbra Hershey or a Rachel Griffiths. I had found a very wonderful friend who has stood by me through a lot. This, of course, is not a small find. (I remember many times in my life when I had absolutely no one).
But…she made it clear that the friendship does not mean to her what it does to me. This was a shock, because the whole time I had thought we were on the same page—that the respective levels of affection were more or less equal. It’s like in a romantic relationship where one person says “I love you”, and the other pauses and says “I like you a lot”, or “you are a really snappy dresser”.
I feel like I have suffered a huge loss. I thought I had a best friend the likes of which iconic movies are made. And I don’t.
But I feel ridiculous for feeling so broken hearted because a) maybe the Barbra Hershey/Rachel Griffiths dream was unrealistic to begin with, and b) I didn’t lose her altogether—the friendship isn’t what I thought it was, but it is still good. Still better than any friendship I’ve ever had, and that’s…well, that’s something. That’s a lot.
And yet…it just won’t stop hurting and I can’t help but feel that I will ALWAYS be that person in the relationship (whether platonic or romantic) who loves more. I realize that affection levels are rarely 100% equal…but it would be nice to come close to an equal balance. And all this time I thought I had, but it turns out I hadn’t.
4 comments
Sorry to hear that ladolcemorte, I seem to have the same issue with attaching to others in a deeper more heartfelt way.
Have you gone to a psychiatrist before? I don’t mean to pry or sound rude, but I was diagnosed with BPD years ago and that diagnosis helped me to understand why I am hypersensitive.
Not sure if you are the same way, but it sounds like you feel very deeply- similar to myself.
P.S. i still haven’t found the Hillary to my CiCi
Wow…my diagnoses are currently being discussed, but BPD has been floated several times. And I am so glad you got my reference.
I feel like this in my relationships constantly. Whether it is romantic relationships or platonic ones. I always feel Iike I like the other person more. And as a result, I try not to be clingy with people. I almost NEVER phone people. I always wait for them to come to me. Because I try so hard to avoid a situation where I’m pursuing someone who doesn’t care for me.
But with this friendship it was different. I tried to distance myself several times and she kept pushing her way in. So I let her in. Fully….and…I guess I just misjudged the situation. And it makes me question whether any of my relationships are real at all. (I’d offer to be your Hillary, but I’m pretty sure I’m a Cici too.)
Hopefully once a final diagnosis comes about it’ll help you to be more loving towards yourself. Obviously you are very loving towards others 🙂
Well, maybe we can take turns day by day as to which character we will be? Some days it’s nice to watch your friend soar in the spotlight while you chill in the shadows, some days you need the spotlight.
I tend to misjudge situations quite often when it comes to depth of feeling. I’m sure I don’t have to explain that to you, though.
If you would like to (and feel comfortable) reply with your email and we can chat more.
Would be nice to speak to someone who emotionally ‘gets it’. 🙂
That actually sounds awesome.