Hollowed out

I ate so little people started telling me they thought I had an eating disorder. Now, I overeat. I eat and eat until it feels like I’m actually going to explode. My body hurts even more now after eating, then when I didn’t and had those extremely painful hunger pangs.

I don’t eat because I like food or anything. Not even because I’m hungry, I’m not hungry very often. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate food. But it tastes mostly the same for me. I still have my preferences in like big differences I guess, but not really. See, it’s not about the taste, that’s just a side thing. The feeling of hunger is something I can get accustomed to, but there ‘s another feeling I can’t seem to shake.

The feeling of an actual, big, dark, hollow, gaping hole inside of me. It eats away at me. I can actually feel its presence, all the time. It hurts in a way I cannot explain. All my feelings go inside there, too. The slightest moments of happiness or joy disappear into that gap by my stomach. So, I eat, trying to fill that empty space. It never works, it just ends up hurting really bad at another place near it.

People always talk about the difference between mental pain and physical pain. It’s easier for people to understand those things as two different things. But, with physical pain, it’s also not that hard to picture the pain being your head, too.

Mental pain hurts physically, too. When something used to hurt me really much, I could actually feel it, like being stumped in the stomach, or an actual aching heart. I could feel my heart literally falling to pieces.

Or my body actually collapsing because my mind can take just so much.

I feel like I’m being hollowed out, and all that’ll be left, is the big, dark, endless, gaping hole.

((Am I the only one feeling like this?))