Before I kill myself I’d want to spend it on something really stupid and wasteful, because what does it matter anyway. Do something that I’ve always wanted to do, whatever that is.
The thing is, if I ever end up taking my life, in all likelihood it is going to be an impulsive decision that I take at a moment when I am very emotional and have some sort of panic or anxiety attack, and when ending that pain is all that matters. If I were to wait or plan ahead, I’d almost certainly change my mind, because once I calm down, thinking about what it’d do to my family would be even less bearable than the thought of ending the pain.
So yeah, I would only want to waste my savings if I were sure that I’d kill myself after, since I wouldn’t want to do that and then continue without them because I decided against ending it. Though since I am incapable of planning my suicide ahead of time, and since I don’t even want to do that, I can’t use the money for some crazy lavish experience just before I die. Which almost guarantees that my savings will still be there if and when I die, and will end up going to some relative of mine.
But then again, the thought that I could at least in theory at some point do that – even though I’ll probably won’t anyway – sometimes makes me feel better, because it gives me the feeling that there is something in my future that I can look forward to, even if it is just a short distraction of my own life.
Just some random thoughts I’ve had lately.
1 comment
If you think you could kill yourself impulsively, then make sure you have no methods at home.
As for the savings, I would keep it for now. Maybe you’ll want to use it for a house, a nice vehicle, or a vacation sometime. You could start investing some of it, too. Talk to a financial advisor.