It’s hard to see meaning in life when you’re a monster. I mean, you can dedicate yourself to becoming the best monster you can be, to reducing your monstrosity from this point forward. But you’re still going to be a fucking monster. You still belong in a cage. There are no cookies for trying to walk things back a little, not after you’ve crossed so many unforgivable lines. There’s no way back. There’s nothing you can do from this point on to make you morally acceptable. And sure, people may encourage you to try, if they can put their anger and disgust to one side for a little. But they’ll always have to keep you at arms length. Because you’re still a monster, and ultimately they’d still rather see you in a cage.
So you’ll always be walking that road alone. And it doesn’t really lead anywhere. Why bother? Because there’s nothing else to do? That won’t really get you out of bed in the morning. You may as well be dead. But it takes a lot to override survival instinct, or the subconscious conviction that somehow things will magically change, and you’ll be redeemed. That the slate will be wiped clean.
It doesn’t really matter whether you live or die. Nothing about you matters anymore. As long as you behave yourself and keep your distance, or preferably stay in your cage, then no one has any reason to give a fuck. You’re a monster, so now you’re nothing.
But it’s hard to accept that. Because although you’re a monster, you’re also human. And humans need some form of positive emotion to motivate them in the long term. If nothing feels meaningful, and there’s no real hope of that changing at any point in the future, then how do you function? How do you keep walking, when you know that there’s no destination? Just a long, weary trudge, until you finally collapse. How do you not retreat into denial and delusion, when the alternative is the loneliest place in the world? Why take responsibility for anything, if doing so will never make you tolerable? Why try to be better, when trying will make no real difference to the road you’re walking?
It’s hard to see meaning in anything. It’ll always be so much easier to run in the opposite direction, while desperately trying to convince yourself that nothing is wrong.
21 comments
I think the only solution is sharing you life with another monster, share it together and finally sink in hell together. I think a pure person cannot take away the loneliness, because it’s a pure person and doesn’t understand the biggest part of you. That’s what i feel. I’m a monster too. I hope i’ll finally find a female monster, share who we are as long as we decide to stay alive and entr hell togheter finally.
I think the chances of my finding a woman who really understands on that level are pretty slim, and even if I did I doubt she’d be someone I’d want to be with. But I get that longing. I hope you can find someone who’s the right level of monstrous for you.
I think there’s nothign else left. I know you have the sme beliefs about ending up in hell liek i do. So people like us have 2 choices: living with a pure woman, and finally breaking her because of our monstrousity and feeling like a piece of shit everyday. or embracing who we are, share it with a monstrous woman and sink in hell finally. You have to chose finally, you can’t sstay in the situation wanting to become good but staying bad. stay bad if you feel there’s no way back and accept who you are, you’ll finally payb for it in hell. or break with your monsrosu life, pray to god to forgive you and become good. you are the only one who can feel if it’s still possible or already to late to become good.
There’s no way back, but I also can’t see a way to accept or embrace who and what I am. Even if I could find someone as monstrous as me, I don’t think it would reduce how lonely and conflicted I feel about it. Unfortunately though I am a monster, I’m not a complete sociopath. I have a conscience, although I often don’t listen to it. I don’t think I could ever be happy embracing that side of me, even if I had someone similar egging me on. Though I might enjoy fantasizing about it, I don’t think I could ever be content with that. It wouldn’t make me any happier, and it would put others at unnecessary risk.
So I’m stuck somewhere in between – wanting to be good yet never able to be good enough. Wanting to be bad yet never able to fully accept that side of me. It’s a road that leads nowhere, but it’s the one I have to walk.
Husk why do you call youself a monster?
We all carry evil within ourselves. It’s just figuring out the evil to good ratio. If all humans who have done something horrible go to hell, heaven will be damn empty.
I always enjoyed heat and roasting marshmellows so I can’t say my stay would be unpleasant.
If it was something I could talk about freely, then it wouldn’t be such an issue. All I’ll say is that I’ve done unforgivable things, and that part of me is still alive and kicking, though some of the time I try to suppress it. The evil to good ratio will simply never be acceptable in my case now, no matter what I do from this point. There’s commonplace horrible, and then there’s completely over the line, and I fall on the wrong side of that line. I’m not sure I believe in hell, but if it exists I’m sure heaven could stretch to supplying a furnace and a pack of marshmallows.
Why don’t you admit yourself to some kind of mental health rehabilitation center? If you might be endangering innocent people by being on your own, then prove you’re not a sociopath by exerting the effort to allow yourself to be helped.
Or, if you have already caused physical harm or lasting psychological trauma to others, then turn yourself in to the police so that your victims can get the justice they deserve.
I suppose the simple answer is because I really don’t want to. I don’t see doing so as a meaningful life. Mental health facilities & prisons don’t strike me as generally pleasant places to be. I wasn’t asserting not being a sociopath as a claim to morality – it’s not something I feel the need to prove. I’m just aware that certain things are wrong, and that prevents me from fully embracing that side of myself.
The question of whether I’ve caused harm/trauma is complicated, though I suppose I’d generally be regarded as being complicit in it. If I do have victims, I don’t think they’ll in any way be validated by my conviction, even if they were somehow notified of it (again, it’s complicated.) Possibly even the opposite. It may be the right thing for me to do regardless, but as I said, I see no meaning in it. There’s no wiping the slate clean, no matter how much time I served. The stigma would always be there. And I’m not anticipating any kind of existential reward. Though it might be justice, it wouldn’t actually help anyone, and would destroy my family.
But mostly, I just really don’t want to. And why do the hardest thing, when it will only make things worse for you?
So… it sounds like you spend time on the Dark Web engaging in content that was harmful to those involved, but without actively causing injury yourself. Is that basically it?
If it was something I felt able to discuss openly, then it wouldn’t be such an issue.
You are one complex human, husk!
I’m sure heaven (if exists) would provide marshmellows and fireplace to roast them for the right candidate, but, I am not a candidate for heaven.
I’ll share my marshmellows with you in hell, husk.. So long as they aren’t stolen first.. 🙂
Be nice to see most my family in hell, though. We are an interesting family (some will attain heaven but majority no)
Well, you never know. The entrance criteria might be less strict than you think. I imagine marshmallows might melt in hell (if they aren’t confiscated), but I appreciate the offer.
Husk, sweetie, I appreciate your thinking better of me than what I know and my gut knows to be true.. No matter how slack their criteria is, heaven isn’t going to open the gates for me.
Someone better not try to take my marshmellows… They’ll beg for the devil’s torture. Haha
Hmmm…purgatory maybe? Limbo? Somewhere marshmallows are permitted but they always end up a bit too burnt? Otherwise I guess I’ll see you down under. Presuming my eyeballs are still attached to my body.
@sleeplessmind: why are you so sure you will enter hell? what did you do? For me it’s things like, cheating/tellign much lies/beeing a sociopath. I’ll take as much marshmallows with me as i can. ;–) it will make the devil crazy when he tries to torture you but you start smiling everytime because i put a marshmallow in your mouth, we just go ahead until the devil gets a burn-out;-)
Husk- I like burnt ‘mellows. Call me crazy but…oh wait.. Lol
Stefan’84 *high 5 for marshmellows* let’s hope hell doesnt provide satan with Starbucks (probably will be everywhere in hell at their prices, though)
Well, Stefan, the long and short of why I’ll go ‘down under’ (as husk calls it) is because I am fairly certain I have committed all 10 Biblical mortal sins. I have not been a good person.
Sounds like purgatory is the place for you then. Though I should warn you that the marshmallows will always be slightly too burnt for even your tastes.
Really, all 10 commandments? Impressive! I believe that’s known as a ‘clean sweep’ in the bad place. I don’t think I could lay claim to more than 7 myself.
Though if I did believe in hell, I might think that the entrance criteria would have been updated in the last 3000 years to take into account all the new ways we can do wrong. And also that what really matters is your motivation for what you’ve done. You could kill someone out of a need to protect others, or steal to feed a starving child, and I don’t think a just God would condemn you.
As a child I used roast them until they were almost pure ash and you could slide the burnt portion off to reroast a fresh looking inner ‘mellow.. I think they’d give me them raw in purgatory.. Excessive roasting will never stop me from enjoying a marshmellow.
I stole 1x to impress some bad folks I was hanging around with as a tween.. No excusing that. I would rather not get into the details of why I took lives (yes more than one).. my guilt, the issues I took on due to it will never be equal to justice in the eye of any diety.
*10 commandments and no stranger to screwing myself with 7 mortal sins.. My mind was going faster than I could type.. Grr
Can we talk via email sleeplessmind? my email is stefan(at)deds.nl i hope you understand which sign you have to replace the (at) with. I’m in the same situation. 😉 starbucks might be fully available in hell, but maybe we can use it to make the fire somewhat less hot.
Stefan- Tried emailing. Wont send.
Hopefully you are subscribed to this post.
Email me. Mortal.12345@hotmail.com