It’s something that I never wanted to become but did anyway.
Flunked out of college. Not in a job yet. Don’t even know how to fucking drive. Don’t know the first thing about being an adult. Loser loser loser.
One of my worst fears has always been ending up like my aunt. She just moved out of her parents’ house and she’s in her thirties. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be the useless, disappointing dead weight of the family. But here I am. All of those things.
I know I can appeal to get my Financial Aid back so that I can go back to college next semester. But sometimes I don’t even want to. What am I going to do in college anyway? Yeah, I know, a degree is better than no degree, but most degrees are still pretty fucking useless. And I’m too fucking inept to earn a useful one. I know that I’m going to fail again. But what else can I do?
And even if, by some miracle, I don’t fail, what then? It’s going to be hard as fuck to find a good job, and if/when I do, I’m going to be in debt for the rest of my life, doing a job that I hate, miserable until the day I die.
And speaking of jobs, on top of going back to school, I have to get a job as soon as possible. So, eventually, I’m going to have to juggle both. If I can’t even handle one, how can I handle both? And more importantly: why can’t I handle them? Why can’t I do what nearly every other person my age is perfectly capable of doing? Why am I such a fucking idiot?
And doing any of this without being able to drive myself is a huge strain on everyone around me. So there’s that, too.
I’m a useless failure and a fucking leech with no future at all. So there’s no point in continuing to live. But I can’t even kill myself either, because funerals are expensive and my family can’t afford that shit. Isn’t it funny how I’m a burden whether I’m alive or dead?
I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. Why didn’t Mom abort me instead of the other one? That would’ve been so much better for everyone involved, especially me.
6 comments
I too flunked out of college. Luckily I had enough education and work experience to get a good job. My health forced me to “retire” at 29. At 30 I was diagnosed with ADD. The pieces of my college career sort of fell into place.
Do you have a physical reason not to drive? Do you live in an area with a good public transit system?
Lastly, there are alternatives to a college degree. You could learn a trade perhaps? Painters, plumbers, electricians, carpenters and butchers make decent wages. As do barbers and beauticians. Learn to drive, get a CDL and drive a truck. Lots of choices.
Of course I am basing all this on my experience in the US. I don’t know where you are or even your gender. Man or woman my advice would be the same. College isn’t for everyone.
Hey
try to look for a job opportunity which can bridge some time to gather ideas with a calm mind.
The next step is in which things are you interested and what kind of job can you work mid term wise
Hey whiskered 🙂 You know I really like you.
I just wanted to recommend an exercise. There is this somewhat established exercise that Marty Seligman, “founder” of positive psychology, invented. It’s called three good things. Before bed, you write down three things that went well, and why. The idea is to kind of reprogram your brain over time to notice the good.
I have been tinkering with this exercise, modifying it to make it more specific. I.e. “What went well with regards to _____, and why?” I would recommend you try to do it, filling out the blank with “me”. So: “What went well with regards to me, and why?” So you are finding good things about yourself, and why they came to be, so to speak.
This might put you in a somewhat looser, calmer frame of mind where you aren’t hating on yourself all the time, but just kind of drifting through life. One benefit I have experienced (only been doing this for a few days) is that it kind of takes me out of crisis mode, so I have more time to think about pleasurable or interesting things.
Anyways, I’m even scared to share this for fear I will jinx it, but if it works for you, I would be so happy. Otherwise, back to the drawing board, lol.
Take care
P.S. I can’t drive, and I’m 33. I’m sure you can learn if you want to.
I’m sorry I don’t have any solutions for you, but I at least wanted to say it’s good to hear from you.
I’ve been gone from SP awhile, and was hoping some of the old familiar faces/names would still be around– including you.
As always, I hope you find peace and harmony and all the stuff people spend their whole lives searching for.
Wish I had an actually useful thing to say.
I’m just glad that you’re alive buddy, and it’s always nice to hear from you, regardless of topic.
That comment went to moderation…. opps
I’m happy to see you still around though Kitty Fish xD
I’m very sorry that you also have to feel these feelings, I can relate to most of them. I’ve been going to school for 4 years now and still don’t even have a 2 year degree 🙁