I have deleted my ex friend [she was a female] from my contacts. We used to have a lot of midnight talks. She was my distraction from everything. The credit is not for her being anything special, but it is for her being a tool of distraction.
Now that she is gone/ or “it”, I’m hollowed again.
I used to have lots of sports but this month I have finals, so I have to study 24/7. With the sports gone, I’m just going straight forward deeper into the rabbit’s hole.
I wish I had a “friend” to talk to, but in the same time I know I would just use that person as a tool of distraction. It would never be a true friendship of love, and compassion.
It is weird but I’m crying over nothing. I have tears down my face and I don’t understand why.
I remember what I used to be. A really happy child, gazing up the horizon, thinking of reaching new discoveries.
Now I’m just an engineer student. I walk the same corridors I used to walk, but now they are a “University’s” corridors.
I meet the same personalities, but now they are “uni students”.
I feel alienated in my own world. I feel like suicide is the logical choice of dealing with this, but in the same moment, I don’t feel like taking an action and killing myself, because it doesn’t make sense.
I have finals this month. Would I succeed? – I’ve to. Why? – I don’t know.
I want to fulfill my potential, but what is it ?
I’m happy to have you guys. I can talk to you, and you listen.
You are my distraction.
I believe I went through the “no return point” and that I will have to live with my scars from now on.
I used to have a passion to rule the world, just like Bill Gates did, or others. But for now it is kind of gone. Maybe it is only a small downhill in the middle of the way. It feels like I’m falling back to the ground, but I’m actually just moving forward.
Anyhow, I would update how I’m doing. I know some of you cares.
Pardon me for this messy post, my mind is just curled up.
ps; deleted her because she stopped replying [due to her bf being jealous of me]
pps: I have friends but I don’t like most of them + I don’t want to waste time texting people. I either don’t want to meet people.
ppps: right now, for the next test, I’m studying in a group of 3, so I’m not completely alone, but it sure isn’t what I’m looking for. Not sure tho what I’m looking for. Guess my mind will be fixed soon so I can re-tune it for the next goals.
2 comments
I think everyone should have someone to talk to. The problem is that some talk AT you instead of TO you. I have a friend that only calls when she needs to unload. Mostly about her marriage. I’m uncomfortable with that. I think a marriage is between two people (and perhaps a therapist).
Anyway, I hope when your exams are done you can make time to enjoy yourself. I think that would do you good. I admire you for being so focused on your goals. It’s hard to overcome the past. But you have a great attitude. And you can count me as a friend. I look forward to seeing you succeed.
Thank you for your post. I feel like you opened my eyes to some of my own issues.
I’m currently on a down hill slide as well. University is now behind me after I got back from a trip with my girlfriend I feel completely disconnected from everything. It took a toll on my relationship as well and we are now slowly reconnecting, but I fear that I’m using her out of my shakiness. I suppose one has to learn how to move on eventually but right now all I see is a future of feeling like shit everyday.
Anyway, looking forward to your updates.