Someone crying over my death

is a relieving thought. Not because I want them to be sad, to feel pain over my loss. In fact, I’d very much prefer if no one was hurt by my suicide, and it is one of the main reasons why I haven’t done it yet.

I’ve barely felt any empathy from another human being for so long now, it literally hurts in my chest when I think about it. The thought of someone crying over me is soothing, because the mere image of that makes me believe that I am not irrelevant to them, that they do care about me. It makes me feel less alone. At the same time though, I feel horrible for getting something off of their sadness, even if just in my imagination.

This is so hard to cope with, and it is so tempting to just throw it all away and give up… I need a hug really bad. Please let this be over soon, whatever that means in the end.