My heart hurts, and it just won’t stop. It’s that lonely, sick feeling, with a lot of anger and a lot of resentment.
Great way to start a new year. But I hate New Years. Every year this holiday manages to dupe people into believing it is far more significant than it is. Watching the clock turn from 11:59 to 12:00 inspires countless joyous souls to throw parties commemorating this miniscule passage of time. I find it all to be depressing and, as always, very anticlimactic. I guess I expect some part of me to change, to feel less burdened and ready to face challenges with a fresh, spirited attitude. It never does. Oh, yeah. And there’s the music. Every year its that same depressing tune ushering out the old year and celebrating the new—but it only reminds me that Christmas is over, Thanksgiving is over, Halloween is over and worst—winter break is over. Back to school, back to work with nothing big and festive to prepare for, nothing to break up the routine, and more heartwrenching sadness.
I’m tired. I’ve been in this storm for over twenty years, and the intensity keeps building. I have to think about my future. I have to wonder how long I can stay afloat because when my head isn’t completely submerged I’m gulping sea water, gasping for air. I’m so tired. My spirit is broken. I’m chilled to the bone by this life and I want it to end. Not life, really. I want the storm to end. But it’s so much bigger than I am. I’m afraid to take my own life. Not so much for spiritual reasons, though that is on my mind, but more because I am afraid of the intensity of loneliness I will feel while I’m dying. I don’t see the end being a big flood of relief, but as an oppressive grief which pours through my soul like warm candle wax. I will grieve the person I know I could be if this goddamn chaos storm of depression didn’t keep gutting my ability to feel good about something. So now I’m drifting into this new year clinging desperately to the small piece of debris that keeps me afloat, but at the same time I’ve about given up. The storm is endless, relentless. I’m tired. My heart hurts. I want to let go but the terror of taking that plunge keeps me holding on. So I just keep going, watching my life scatter to the storm, clinging to what I can, waiting for this storm to finally take me out, just waiting to drown.
1 comment
Hey Eleanor,
I feel much the same as you. A chaos storm that won’t quit, raging about my life… driving me to the brink through loneliness/depression and then plaguing me with worry of the ‘what ifs’ once I get to my breaking point. I really enjoy the way you write, and I must admit that in my worst, most broken times over the past two years…I had your first post of ‘Linked by Loneliness’ bookmarked and reading it made me feel not so alone in my darkest hours. In fact, that’s how I found this second post. If you would like to speak some more or just vent about things, my email is atlasbleeding1(at)gmail.com. I’m always looking for similar-minded people to relate to and the world doesnt provide much for depressed people in the friend department.