every decision you’ve ever made, was the wrong one?
I don’t mean obvious bad things like doing drugs, partying too much, getting into trouble, flunking out of school, etc. I don’t mean that, and I haven’t done any of that.
I mean decisions you made that you couldn’t have known they were bad at the outset? I had taken the logical, practical approach for most of my life. I thought they were good decisions. But it turned out I couldn’t have made worse choices.
Major decisions like which university to go (I chose a pretty good school, on paper, the practical one with less debt, which turned out to be a bad decision), which degree to major in (chose the “practical” one that sucked out my soul), which job to take (took the “good” job at the “prestigious” place where the boss turned out to be an evil witch), which city to move to (chose a “great” city that would eventually destroy my health), etc. Well, some things like quitting my job without another job lined up, well that was stupid on my part. I was just so fed up. But the others, “good” “practical” decisions that I didn’t know would ultimately to turn out to be terrible decisions.
Some mistakes were my fault, others I had no idea it would be bad. Either way, I feel like every decision I’ve ever made, happened to be the wrong one. For ex, if I hadn’t decided to move to city B, the horrible C thing wouldn’t have happened, and then D wouldn’t have happened.
If I had stayed in city P (the 1st time) instead of leaving eventually going to city B, I would have wound up pretty successful in city P. Instead, I moved to city B and something so horrible happened in city B that would forever change my life, and I can’t go back and undo it. I can’t undo the damage done to my health. I can’t undo the R and the abuse that has been inflicted on me.
-These practical, logical “right” decisions I made (which ultimately turned out bad) haunt me.
-The mistakes I made (that I didn’t know where mistakes) haunt me.
-The mistakes I made (that I knew were mistakes but didn’t know how badly it would screw me over) haunt me.
Everything haunts me and makes me sad about my life. Many things were beyond my control. Many things happened when I was a child. I look back and think, is it possible for a damaged child to grow up and make the right decisions as an adult?
I am stuck feeling really shitty about my life decisions. In the end, all the decisions I’ve ever made, plus all the chance occurrences that I could not have known would happen, has lead me to my current shitty predicament.
Like I said, I never did the obvious “bad” things like drugs or whatever the typical bad things were. The mistakes and bad decisions weren’t necessarily obvious that it was bad. How could I have known that I shouldn’t have moved to city B, or that I shouldn’t have chosen that university, or chosen that “practical” degree, But in the end, whatever decisions I made, it all turned out bad.
It makes me wonder, can I even make right decisions? Or will every decision and every action I take, all end up bad in the end? Because every thing I’ve ever done, has lead me to this point. To this shitty broken life.
Oh yeah, forgot to add, chose all the wrong drs to go to, every one has f*cked up my health even more. Had I not gone to see Nurse X, or Dr L, or a number of other dr’s, I wouldn’t have had my body messed up so much. But how could I have known not to go to Nurse X or Dr L or Dr etc and etc?
12 comments
Boy can I ever relate to this. I thought I did the right thing by investing in my education at a prestigious university and choosing what seemed like a lucrative career. Everything since has been a monumental disaster.
I look back at every major decision I have ever made and think “what the f**** was I thinking”.
And I often wish I could go back and re-do everything….but then I think that I would only make other mistakes. The old adage “if it weren’t this…it would be something else”
Idk. I feel like no matter what decision I make, I should’ve made the other decision…
If I had stayed in city P, not only would none of this other stuff have happened, but I would’ve had great success in city P. In career, in money, in opportunities. In a mate. etc. But no, I chose to move to city B and boy did I get screwed once I got there.
If you had made different decisions, you would be a completely different person right now. It sounds like that’s what you want. The “what if” I were someone else question.
Maybe in parallel universes, you are living your life if you hadn’t made certain choices. Maybe for each path we take, there are millions of other alternatives, that play out as “you” in separate worlds. Ever have a dream where it’s “you” but you don’t recognize anyone or anything, yet your dream self does, and seems to know the history behind it? It’s like that.
Hell yeah, if I had made even ONE different decision, I wouldn’t have wound up where I am now, and become what I am now.
You weren’t formerly a published writer by any chance, were you? (Not including on suicide blogs.)
Oh I wish I were. One of my childhood dreams was to be a writer… sigh…
Again, had I done my life differently, or if I didn’t move to city B which ultimately destroyed me, I might have done just that.
Ok. Your story reminded me of an old acquaintance, and then I was like… wait. What if this is them, but suicidal? Guess not.
You could still be a writer, though. Try applying for jobs at online magazines. (I know people who currently do that.)
You haven’t been “destroyed,” you can rebuild and reinvent yourself.
There’s a Seinfeld episode where George Kastanza realizes that every decision he’s ever made is wrong, so he decides to do the opposite from this point forward.
It works for a while, but he’s born to lose so the new approach eventually fails.
It was a funny episode because George had a DGAF attitude which made him uncharacteristically relaxed.
Classic Ms. Havisham complex. I carried the same for a long time. Don’t be Ms. Havisham from Great Expectations, allowing life to stay in stasis thinking about some former ideal self/situation and letting it prevent you from progressing. In Great Expectations, she dreams of her jilted lover who stood her up at the altar, and thus, wears her long faded whitish-yellow wedding gown every day, not changing the house, thinking of better times and different decisions made. Eventually, the edge of the dress catches a piece of the fire and the dress causes her to burn to death. Take a more pragmatic approach…take only what is necessary and leave the rest. That ‘rest’ part will only slow down your growth or be an anchor to moving forward…it literally helps nothing to get stuck in that train of thought. It is merely a depressive complex there to flagellate you and takes being conscious of, calling out, and pushing back against.
I feel exactly the same way, and I was just thinking that this morning.
I have made a number of bad decisions in my life time. That is why I am here on S.P.
When it came to important decisions, I wish I had just flipped a coin. Results would have been better.